Saturday, December 31, 2011
Eight Things From 2011 I Am Soooooooo Over
1. "Firework" by Katy Perry
I hate this song. Like, really hate it. Like, really, really, really, really HATE. IT. Like, stick a fork in my eyeball, pull it out, saute my dislodged eyeball with mushrooms and peppers, wrap it all up in a tortilla and top it with sour cream, shredded cheese, salsa, and guacamole and eat it rather than listen to that fucking song one more time type of hate. Why do I hate it so much? Have you heard the lyrics? They sound like they were written by a seven year-old. "Boom Boom Boom/Even brighter than the moon moon moon." Seriously, what the fuck? Yet people inexplicably loved the shit out of this song and it was everywhere, from awards shows to Glee.
2. Taylor Swift
The first Taylor Swift song I ever heard was "Teardrops on my Guitar." I'll admit, I liked it, as well as some of her subsequent singles. But after listening to her 100,000,000,000th song about a boy, all I can do is roll my eyes. Get some more material, girl! Or write about grown-up relationships, because every single time I listen to one of your songs, I feel like I should be roaming the halls of Taylor County High School all over again. I'm 28. I'm over that high school shit.
3. The Duggars
When they first started getting media coverage, I was enthralled just like everybody else. Kids numbering in the double digits?! Holy shit! But now even their sweatshop-sized numbers aren't that interesting. I am SO TIRED of it being breaking news every time this woman pops out another kid. The television shows try to make it all mysterious and drop teasers left and right that say things like, "Michelle Duggar has big news! What could it be? We'll find out after the break!" but it's NOT mysterious! She's fucking pregnant! That's her deal! It's not like she's going to announce she found the cure for cancer or helped colonize life on Mars. She's with child. Again.
4. The Kardashians
Refresh my memory: why are these ladies famous? I'm waiting..............................................
Okay. Moving on.
5. American Idol
Why is this show still on? When it first debuted it was unique. Well, it was unique to those of us who didn't watch a lot of Star Search growing up. But now? The only original judge left is Randy, and from what I hear, all of them are too nice! The main thing that made American Idol worth watching was Simon Cowell's painfully honest comments that crushed wannabe contestants' hopes and dreams. Really cutting shit like, "You are the worst singer in the world" and condescendingly rhetorical questions such as, "Do you honestly think that was good?" If a contestant cries and it's not because they were told their tone-deaf performance caused babies to contemplate suicide, I'm not watching.
6. Two and a Half Men
One of the reasons Charlie Sheen's magnificently hot mess of a public breakdown thrilled me was the fact that it would be the demise of this horrible, unfunny show. But you know what? It's still alive! This show is like a cockroach in that no matter how many times you step on it, the little bastard just WILL. NOT. DIE. Come on, fellas. The half-man is pretty much grown. Unless you're planning on renaming it Three Full-Grown Men, please, for the love of God, end it.
7. Lindsay Lohan
All the girl did this year was bounce in and out of court. Can we please just file her in the, Please disappear already! section?
8. Awkward conversations
I don't know if the social networking sites out there are making us all socially weird, but it seems like I had a hell of a lot of awkward conversations with people this year. It's gotten to the point where I'm questioning if I'm the socially-awkward one, and that's an idea that fills me with fear. Call me crazy, but isn't a conversation supposed to go something like this?
Me: So what do you do?
Them: Me? Oh, I'm an archaeology professor.
Me: Oh, that's cool!
Them: Yeah, I really enjoy it. It's really nice when I get to get out of the classroom for some real hands-on learning, though.
Me: Oh really?
Them: Yeah. Like one time, I had to beat some Nazis to the supposed location of the Ark of the Covenant...
(continue on with banter about Nazis, the Ark of the Covenant, etc.)
It seems like a pretty cut-and-dry formula: I ask you a question. You answer it, and then ask me a question. I answer that, and then at some point we find some commonality and talk about it. You'd think it'd be easy. Instead, here's what I've had to deal with:
Me: So what do you do?
Them: I'm an archaeology professor.
Me: Oh, that's cool!
Them: Yeah. ::crickets::
Me: So...how did you get into archaeology?
Me: Has it always interested you?
Them: Yeah ::crickets::
Me: ::goes off to kill self because that would be more entertaining than this conversation::
I hope 2012 sees me talking to more people who are well-versed in communicating with other humans face-to-face. I can't deal with another year of pulling teeth only to find out that the industry you work in is just, "okay."
So that's my list. I was originally planning to write about eleven things that bugged me in 2011, but it's 2:00a.m. (no matter what Blogger says!), I'm tired, and I can't think of any more right now and all I want to do is sleepy-sleep. So happy New Year everybody! Cherish and relish in the optimism you are feeling right now, because in a week, all that will disappear and you will be the same embittered person you were before midnight. Cheers!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Possible Lecture/Class Titles for Catholics (but this technique can be applied to any lecture or class, regardless of subject matter)
1. The Liturgy: What Up Wit Dat?
2. The Eucharist: Are We a Bunch of Cannibals? (Bonus: you can incorporate the Zombie Jesus meme that's popular with the young kids these days, thus increasing your target audience. I know, I know--I'm a genius!)
3. Say Whaaaaa? All About Confession
4. Saints: Yeah, They're Pretty Cool
5. 19 Kids and Counting: Psych!!!! (This one's about Natural Family Planning.)
6. Who's Your Daddy? All About the Priesthood
7. Sister Act: The Truth About Nuns
8. A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi: An Ecumenical Discussion
And why we're on the topic of spicing things up, can there be a rule or something requiring every church choir to sing the Sister Act version of Salve Regina? Do you know how disappointed I get when I hear a choir start to sing that song, ONLY TO REALIZE THEY'RE SINGING IT THE OLD, BORING WAY? I WANT THE CLAPPING, DAMMIT!
*I can't guarantee jack. Sorry.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Confession time, you guys: sometimes when I hear a weird noise or creak in my apartment, I automatically think it's a ghost. Most of the time, this attribution is my attempt at trying to inject a little excitement into my life rather than an actual belief that a spirit decided to shack up. But on Wednesday night, karma decided to screw with me, and I honestly thought I was going to have a starring role in Paranormal Activity 4: You Wanted a Ghost, Now You've Got It! Good Luck Surviving, Dumbass.
I was sitting on my couch reading a book, when I heard the noise at my back door. It sounded like a light scratching noise, followed by a shuffling sound. Before I had a dog, I would always chalk up the supposed "weird" noises I heard to either figments of my over-active imagination, or to just ordinary building noises. But having a dog that alerts on everything is kind of a good confirmation of your sanity. If I hear a noise and Ava doesn't do anything, then it's just a figment of my imagination. If I hear a noise and Ava alerts, then I know the sound is real and I'm not a crazy lady who hears imaginary things. And judging from the fact that she was growling and sniffing like she was trying to peel the paint off the door after I heard the noise, I was confident that it was real. And of course, it had to be a ghost. Because that's logical.
I tried to ignore it and continued to read my book. Then I heard it again, and Ava started growling. For a brief moment, I thought that maybe the noise was a sign from God that I should stop reading my book (it's the one written by Father Alberto Cutie), and I briefly felt guilty. Then I got over it and figured that if God really wanted me to stop reading the book, He would strike me with lightning or set the book on fire, all burning bush-style. So I went back to my ghost theory, and again tried to ignore the noise. I figured if I didn't give the ghost any attention, it would get bored and leave.
I heard the noise again. This time, I decided to peek out the window to see who--or what-- was out there. In a horror movie, this behavior would probably put me on the fast-track to a vicious gutting and dismemberment by an inbred, toothless hillbilly who complements me on the quality of my bones while doing the job. But since this was not a horror film, I was confident that wouldn't happen despite the fact that the noise was probably a ghost or a demon waiting for the chance to the invade my body, all Exorcist-like.So, armed with nothing more than the weird, misplaced confidence that I wouldn't get murdered, I walked over to the window, peeked through the blinds--
--and nothing. There was nothing to see. Now I was absolutely positive it was a ghost or demon spawn. Again, I picked up my book and tried to ignore it. I heard it again. My heart pounded with alarm. I heard it again. I grew defiant, determined to kick some supernatural ass. How dare ghosts and demons fuck around with my otherwise pleasant Wednesday night?! I'll show them! I heard it again, and this time, it was louder, really scratching against my door. Determined to put an end to the shenanigans, I walked over to the door, threw it open, and confronted my "ghost:" a coupon door hanger. I had taken the one off my front door, but didn't even think to check the back. It was a windy night, so the wind was blowing the hanger, which caused the scratching and shuffling sounds against the door. And the last noise I heard, the loud one, was the sound of the door hanger falling off.
Had this been a horror film, my opening the door would definitely have seen me get shot in the face or choked out by a psychotic zombie clown or something. But since it was real life, I meekly picked up the door hanger and went back to reading my book, glad that my ordinary Wednesday night saw at least a few minutes of excitement. Even if it was all in my head.
Monday, October 31, 2011
We had a blast. I have been blessed with such an amazing group of girlfriends (including the out-of-state ones who were there in spirit), and I wouldn't have greeted 28 any other way. I could do a write-up on what all went down, but Arleen beat me to it, and perfectly captured just how fun it was. Chickety-check it out here.
Alright, 28! Let's do this.
Oh yeah--happy Halloween!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Ridiculous Shit I'd Buy If I Had A Crazy Large Disposable Income (In Pictures!)
Saturday, October 8, 2011
First of all, the menu is a la carte, which means you pay for everything separately, which means you could end up shelling out a small fortune depending on which burger you select. I ordered the Black & Bleu burger and the Chocolate Cherry Bomb shake and that alone cost me $12.62. The burger was okay, but nothing to write home about. For such an original combination of ingredients (applewood-smoked bacon, bleu cheese spread, and "award-winning" Gorgonzola crumbles) it didn't pack much flavor. As for the shake, well, you can get a better one at Steak n' Shake. I found the Chocolate Cherry Bomb to be incredibly bland. For twelve bucks, I expected more.
My opinion is to skip over Burger 21 and go to either Square 1 or Five Guys if you're looking for a good, quality hamburger. They have a better value for their prices, and they automatically include fries with your order, just as it should be.
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's a motherfucking velociraptor costume, y'all! That's pretty much the coolest thing ever invented, and, yes, that includes toilet paper. Do you know how much fun I could have with a costume like that? Here is just a taste:
1. Go trick-or-treating and terrorize kids into giving me their candy.
2. Answer the door when trick-or-treaters come around for candy and terrorize them into NOT taking any.
3. Go in people's backyards, tap on their windows and run away (making sure they get a good glimpse of me before I run off). What are they gonna do? Call animal control and say they saw a dinosaur in their backyard?
4. Run up and down Bayshore Blvd. and just see what kind of reactions I'd get.
5. Try to play with my dog. Since she is apprehensive of other dogs, and they are her own species, she'd probably have a stroke when she came face to face with a dinosaur. Actually, maybe I won't terrorize Ava. I don't want her dying prematurely from a stroke.
6. Screw it, I'm fucking with my dog. She probably won't die, just run under the bed. AND GUESS WHO WILL BE WAITING FOR HER WHEN SHE COMES OUT?
7. Go to the dog park. Why should Ava have all the fun?
8. Write a blog post. Sample: "woie hPOIFH Poi hpf]WEPI ]i 09UET[u-TUI =-00ETejti."
9. Go through the McDonald's drive-thru.
10. Enter a dance-off.
11. Go speed-dating.
It's probably a good thing I don't have a large disposable income because I'd spend most of it on stupid shit like velociraptor costumes and this.
Monday, September 19, 2011
ANYway, my friend Alisha and I decided to revisit this magical time in our lives, so we started re-watching the show. While we got sucked right back into the teenage drama and angst, some things did stick out watching it as adults:
1. Pacey dresses like a dad. He's FIFTEEN. COME ON.
Monday, September 5, 2011
It wasn't what I ordered. The Bayshore Benedict was a tasty variation on the classic eggs benedict, with a croissant, scrambled eggs, bacon, tomatoes, and hollandaise sauce ($8.59). It wasn't the service; our waiter was incredibly polite and speedy with getting us our food and refilling our coffee cups. The trouble came when I went to check out.
Earlier this year, I purchased a $16 Groupon for The Brunchery. After that amount was deducted from our bill, the damage was only $5.78. I told Ali I'd take care of the meal, and she agreed to take care of the tip. When I gave the cashier my debit card, he said he couldn't take debit because they only run cards on amounts of $10 or more. I didn't have any cash on me, so what I ended up having to do was purchase a gift card for $10.78 and use that to pay for the rest of the bill. In short, I had to pay five dollars more than what I should have had to pay.
It's not the amount that pisses me off. $10.78 is still a pretty good deal for two coffees and two entrees. It's the principle of the matter. Even though it's no longer illegal for stores to refuse small credit card charges, I think it's a little ridiculous to penalize consumers for opting to use cards. I rarely carry cash on me simply because paying with a card is quicker and easier and I get rewards points every time I use my debit or credit card. I shouldn't have to over-pay just because my purchase falls under a certain dollar amount.
C'est la vie, I guess. But I don't think I will be going back to The Brunchery. Problem is, I still have a $5 gift card. So I thought I'd have a little giveaway. If anybody out there wants the gift card, be the first person to leave a comment on this post. It doesn't even have to be about the post. You can comment about how you're looking forward to the new season of Mike & Molly for all I care. ('Cause I sure am!) In all fairness, the food is pretty great. Just be sure to pay in cash if your bill is less than $10.
* * *
This gift card is only good for The Brunchery located off MacDill Ave. in Tampa. If you're out of state, you're out of luck. Sorry. Unless you are planning on visiting or something.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Am I bitter? A little. I would love to get enough page views and comments to where I could monetize my blog, and I'm sure I'm not the only writer out there who feels that way. So if you'd like to support writers who are actually talented and who don't post content that makes fun of people, might I suggest checking out the following list:
- Arleen Spenceley
- Saving Her Life
- Budget Bytes
- Pretty & Poor
- Hyperbole and a Half
- The Bloggess
- The Evermore
- A California Girl's Quest to Fall in Love With Florida
*Yeah, I get that I kind of undermined myself by linking to the exact blog post that I've been ranting about, but I needed to give a point of reference to anybody who didn't come here from Holy Taco.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Since I've had this revelation, I haven't figured out whether I should kill myself or get into my PJs and listen to sad bastard music by Chicago while shoveling heaping spoonfuls of New York Super Fudge Chunk flavored with the salt of my tears into my mouth. Let's go over some instances where Ava has pwned me in the men department, shall we?
1. Cute dog walker boy: NOT SO AWKWARD AROUND MY DOG.
A lot of times while walking Ava, I run into the guy who lives a few complexes down walking his dog. Ava has barked at both this guy and his dog on several occasions, yet last week, they shared a moment in which the guy squatted down and let Ava kiss his cheek. I, on the other hand, have been nothing but pleasant, and what do I get? Polite, yet incredibly awkward, conversation. Pwned.
2. Tough bicycle dude: NOT SO TOUGH AROUND MY DOG.
For the record, when I say "bicycle dude," I mean a literal bicycle NOT a motorcycle. So maybe the guy wasn't that tough after all. He was in a wife-beater and had tattoos on his arms, though, and that looked pretty tough to me. Okay, I'm getting side-tracked. ANYway, he was on the sidewalk, fixing something on his bike and Ava and I started to walk by. Little attention whore that she is, Ava lunged over to him, and basked in pure glory as he pet her and fawned over to her. Then he looked at me and said, "Beautiful." Meaning my dog. Not me. Pwned.
Maybe I'm missing out on a golden opportunity here. Maybe Ava could be an asset in helping me meet people. Maybe if I went somewhere that had a lot of single guys around, I could just pick her up and hold her out at arm's length in their direction as if she were a giant magnet. Maybe she doesn't have to pwn me. You know what? I think I'll try that. Buh-bye, Chicago.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
This guy is kind of like a Catholic John Mayer, except without the questionable Playboy interview.
Busy Signal-Night Shift/One More Night
I love reggae. I also love the song, "Night Shift." So when I found out that the two were combined, I nearly pissed myself out of pure joy. Okay, not really. I just exclaimed something like, "Hell yeah, I am feeling this!"
Matisyahu-Time of Your Song
A Jewish guy singing a reggae-ish tune. With soul. My head is about to explode.