Monday, October 31, 2011

Birfday Shennanigans

My birthday was officially yesterday, but my girlfriends and I celebrated on the 29th. For this year's festivities, I thought it would be fun if we got to experience a bit of fine dining, so I decided to do a girls night at the dessert room at Bern's Steakhouse. (Note: We did not actually have dinner at Bern's as that would have cost us our first-born children. To save money, we did dinner on our own individually and splurged at the dessert room.)

We had a blast. I have been blessed with such an amazing group of girlfriends (including the out-of-state ones who were there in spirit), and I wouldn't have greeted 28 any other way. I could do a write-up on what all went down, but Arleen beat me to it, and perfectly captured just how fun it was. Chickety-check it out here.

Alright, 28! Let's do this.

Oh yeah--happy Halloween!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Why the Rapta Didn't Happen

I forgot to carry a 1. It'll actually happen on April 24th, 2035. My bad, y'all.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Rapture? Or The Rapta?

If any of you follow current events at all, you're probably aware that after Harold Camping's epic Rapture failure back in May, he was all, "My bad, y'all! (Insert gibbersh nonsense meant to explain why the Rapture didn't happen)" and re-scheduled it for today. I don't believe in the Rapture (no offense to those of you who do). However, I do believe in the Rapta*. Who is the Rapta, exactly?

The Rapta. Amazing what you can find on Google, amirite?

The Rapta is like Jesus, Shaft, Samuel L. Jackson, and a velociraptor combined. He's a bad-ass mofo who possesses a curious sexual prowess yet also has divine powers and prehistoric deadliness. He will judge the masses with a holy righteous anger and urban style. He will cast people into Hell while saying something Samuel L. Jackson-esque like, "Sleep tight, motherfuckers." And he's not afraid to whip out his talons and cut any believers who give him lip. The Rapta is both awe-inspiring and terrifying. And when he comes back for his followers, it's going to be one cool, urban, shit-storm of an apocalypse. Think Jurassic Park. Think the book of Revelation. Think Pulp Fiction. Now think of all those things combined and set against a soundtrack of 90s Warren G and Snoop Dogg.

Better get right the Rapta now, folks. He's scheduled to come back October 22, 2011. Spread the word. (Hey, that's tomorrow!)

*I really don't. Transition device, people!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

More Ridiculous Stuff I'd Buy If I Could Afford It

Ever since my velociraptor costume post, I started thinking about everything I would buy if I could swing it. So without further ado...

Ridiculous Shit I'd Buy If I Had A Crazy Large Disposable Income (In Pictures!)

To clarify, I mean the time machine, NOT Doc Brown and Marty McFly. That would be weird.

Oh, what the hell

Twofer! I want both the hoverboard AND the self-lacing sneakers.

'Cause I didn't have one as a kid


Wow, that's a bunch of useless crap. Maybe being broke is a blessing in disguise.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Bay Area Eats: Burger 21

Ever since Burger 21 in Westchase opened, I've been hearing rave reviews. Creative Loafing Magazine even proclaimed it, "The best burger in Tampa Bay." I love a good burger, so last week my friend Kathy and I made a visit to see if it lived up to the hype. My opinion: not so much.

First of all, the menu is a la carte, which means you pay for everything separately, which means you could end up shelling out a small fortune depending on which burger you select. I ordered the Black & Bleu burger and the Chocolate Cherry Bomb shake and that alone cost me $12.62. The burger was okay, but nothing to write home about. For such an original combination of ingredients (applewood-smoked bacon, bleu cheese spread, and  "award-winning" Gorgonzola crumbles) it didn't pack much flavor. As for the shake, well, you can get a better one at Steak n' Shake. I found the Chocolate Cherry Bomb to be incredibly bland. For twelve bucks, I expected more.

My opinion is to skip over Burger 21 and go to either Square 1 or Five Guys if you're looking for a good, quality hamburger. They have a better value for their prices, and they automatically include fries with your order, just as it should be.

Monday, October 3, 2011

I Need This Costume in my Life

My friend Ali and I love dinosaurs. To be fair, when I say that we love dinosaurs, I don't mean we love them in the sense that we read about them and are interested in learning about their eating habits or what part of the world each species is from. Our enthusiasm can basically be summed up by the simple phrase, "Dinosaurs are cool and Jurassic Park is one of the greatest movies ever." In other words, it's not much more mature than an eight year-old child's. So when we saw this costume, we just about flipped our shit: (Shits? Should it be plural? Never mind, not the point.)

It's a motherfucking velociraptor costume, y'all! That's pretty much the coolest thing ever invented, and, yes, that includes toilet paper. Do you know how much fun I could have with a costume like that? Here is just a taste:

1. Go trick-or-treating and terrorize kids into giving me their candy.
2. Answer the door when trick-or-treaters come around for candy and terrorize them into NOT taking any.
3. Go in people's backyards, tap on their windows and run away (making sure they get a good glimpse of me before I run off). What are they gonna do? Call animal control and say they saw a dinosaur in their backyard?
4. Run up and down Bayshore Blvd. and just see what kind of reactions I'd get.
5. Try to play with my dog. Since she is apprehensive of other dogs, and they are her own species, she'd probably have a stroke when she came face to face with a dinosaur. Actually, maybe I won't terrorize Ava. I don't want her dying prematurely from a stroke.
6. Screw it, I'm fucking with my dog. She probably won't die, just run under the bed. AND GUESS WHO WILL BE WAITING FOR HER WHEN SHE COMES OUT?
7. Go to the dog park. Why should Ava have all the fun?
8. Write a  blog post. Sample: "woie hPOIFH Poi hpf]WEPI ]i 09UET[u-TUI =-00ETejti."
9. Go through the McDonald's drive-thru.
10. Enter a dance-off.
11. Go speed-dating.

It's probably a good thing I don't have a large disposable income because I'd spend most of it on stupid shit like velociraptor costumes and this.