Tuesday, March 27, 2012

90s/Early Millenium Flashback

The mid-nineties to the early 00s were a magical time to be an adolescent. When I think of this period, I think of bright colors, Nokia phones, itty-bitty tops paired with baggier bottoms, and these. On a more personal level, this time period also conjures up images of riding "the strip" on Saturday nights with friends, hanging out at the TCBY after school on Fridays, and N Sync marionette dolls (I had Lance!). I also think of the music. While some may dismiss much of it as mere blips on the shitty pop music landscape, I appreciate it. Sure, some of it was cheese-tastic, but it was fun and eclectic, charming in its own way. So let's re-visit some of these gems, shall we?

Dreams--The Cranberries

I became obsessed with this song after hearing it on the preview for The Babysitters Club and was hell-bent on owning it. Children, back the days before MP3s, if you wanted only one song, you had to either a) wait until it came on the radio and tape it or b) buy the entire CD that song was on. And back in the days before Google, the only way you'd know what CD you were looking for was if either you or somebody you knew was a musical encyclopedia. If that wasn't the case, then it was trial-and-error: buy a random CD by the artist, and hope that your song was on there. Which is what I did. I'm pretty sure I single-handedly boosted The Cranberries' record sales looking for this damn song, which I finally found on album four or five.

Good--Better Than Ezra

This was another song I wanted after hearing it on the Babysitters Club trailer. At some point, I transferred it from the CD to tape, which I lost, then serendipidiously found again in high school. When I mentioned this one morning to my group of friends before class, my friend Lance said, "I found a blank tape with a Better Than Ezra song on it! I think all tapes automatically come with a Better Than Ezra song." To this day, I have no idea how I remembered that exchange. (P.S. Does anybody else think it ruins the song just a teensy little bit when he says, "Yeah, that's right!" at the very end?)

Graduation (Friends Forever)--Vitamin C

So after this song came out, pretty much every graduating class in the goddamn universe named it "their" song. Smart on Vitamin C's part. What's a better way to stay relevant long after your musical career is over than to come out with a song so timeless, graduating classes are still calling dibs on it to this day? And this is a random change of subject, but I never got what the chick in video saw in that dope in the orange shirt. He looks like he probably failed his senior year. Twice. Hey, speaking of graduation songs...

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)--Baz Luhrmann

This is one of those songs I appreciate more listening to as an adult than I did as a teenager. I don't know, I guess I can relate to much of what the lyrics talk about nowadays. Back when it came out, it just bothered me that it was some dude talking over music.

Steal My Sunshine--Len

I STILL JAM OUT TO THIS SONG AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES. It's upbeat, it's fun, and it reminds me of summer. Boo-ya.

C'est La Vie--B*Witched

This song is so bad it's good. Matching jeans/jacket combo, high-wasted pants that are triple-cinched at the waist, random dogs, bad choreography, and awful lyrics FTW! I didn't know Judy Greer did a turn in a girl band back in the day!

Alright, kids, as much as it pains me, I have to stop this memory train. I could add about 50 more songs, but there just ain't room for all that.What are some of your favorite songs from this time period?

Monday, March 26, 2012

Proof That Filters Can Make Crappy Pictures Look Amazing pt. 2

This series I'll cryptically title, Life. Will it cause you to ponder the meaning of life? Will it allow you to reflect on how all species are somehow related? Will it make you think of the circle of life? Who knows! That's why I'm calling it Life. Each picture will speak to each person in a different way.

"Hello, cousin?" --Because monkeys and humans could be related, get it?

"Birds of a Feather" --What does this say about conformity in society? Are we all just a bunch of sheep, even though this picture is clearly of flamingos?

"Giraffes"--Drawing a blank when it comes to a pretentious title, sorry

"Man's Best Friend" --Do we substitute animal relationships for human ones?

If anybody has a better title for "Giraffes," let's hear it. I'm looking for something so pretentious it'll make your head literally hurt.

Friday, March 16, 2012

A Hodge-Podge of Crap

What the title says. Also, I just got back from a long walk, and instead of hydrating with water, I chose to drink moscato. So I don't really have the brain power to write an actual blog post. Oh well. TGIF, y'all!

1. Last Saturday, my friend Jen and I met a guy with the most ridiculous (read: lame) tattoo. We were  at World of Beer, and bumped into this guy twice. Amid  his drunken ramblings and psychotic obsession with trying to buy us beer, he whipped out a very new (according to him) and very colorful tattoo of Evil Jiminy Cricket. I looked on Google Images, there is no picture of Evil Jiminy Cricket. However, my crude doctoring of Regular Jiminy Cricket isn't too far from the real thing and just as shitty:

He wanted our honest opinion. Some gems we threw out: 

-"It's colorful."
-"She did a good job for what it is."
-"I think you will one day regret that."

He then went on this tangent about this bromance he had going on with this other dude who he called Evil Jiminy Cricket and that the tattoo was a way to have his friend with him always. It came off as kind of a memorial tribute, which would have been sweet--had his friend been dead. However, his friend wasn't (as evidenced by a text message exchange Ridiculous Drunk Guy showed us), so it just came off as creepy and incredibly stupid. Ridiculous Drunk Guy then went on to say that the Evil Jiminy Cricket tat would prevent people from thinking he's a "gangster," a problem he apparently had when he got his first tattoo, which is the Latin word for "brother," on the back of his arm. Jen and I refrained from making any overtly smart-ass replies. It was really hard for us, because Ridiculous Drunk Guy looked like this:

Except in a striped polo and cargo shorts

Yeah, okay, guy. You're "G." Riiiigggghhhhttt. I'll bet that's why you're not getting laid. The ladies are just too intimidated by your gangsta swagger. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're a huge dork who has a FUCKING EVIL JIMINY CRICKET TATTOO. 

2. Earlier this week, I accidentally called Nessie "Bessie," which made my friend Kristina laugh at me. Joke's on her, though, because Bessie is also a bad ass sea monster who could fuck your shit up if you got in her path. Don't believe me? Here's pictorial evidence of Bessie in action:

Bessie. That other sea monster.

3. Last night, I had to stop by Walmart to get a few groceries. It had been awhile since the sweet, sweet elixir of moscato had touched my lips, so I picked up a bottle. That bottle was then bagged in the shittiest plastic bag ever, because as I was walking to my car, the bag ripped and my wine fell out. On the pavement. I had a mini panic attack. Apparently the other two people who were also walking in the same direction as me did too, because all three of us stopped, and waited with baited breath as I picked up the bottle and examined it: not broken! As soon as I made that proclamation, we all breathed an audible and collective sigh of relief and continued on our merry little ways. For that brief moment, however, those two other people shared in my despair at my wine possibly being ruined, and we were all united as one. 

Wine. Bringing people together since man discovered fermentation. 

Guess I should go eat food now and continue with my solo and early St. Patrick's Day celebration, which does NOT make me an alcoholic. Speaking of St. Patrick's Day, have fun, but don't be this guy:



Thursday, March 8, 2012

Dear Mike Rowe: Please Marry Me


Dear Mike,

Please marry me. 

I realize I would have been better off posting this on 2/29, when it is tradition for women to propose to men, but what can I say? I'm slow on the uptake sometimes. Please don't let that be a factor in deciding whether or not to accept my proposal. Because while I may fall short in some areas, I more than make up for it in others, as outlined below:

1. I graduated from college. Okay, okay, I know that doesn't mean a whole helluva lot today, where pretty much a trained monkey can get a college degree, so let me add that I can also string entire sentences together, I can count to at least 157, and I know how to say, "Hello" in Spanish. (Hola!) This meets at least one criterion in Mr. Darcy's definition of an "accomplished woman," which will reflect well on you if you choose to take me on as a wife (He's the expert!). I'm here to make you look good, man.

2. I'm 28, which means I'm young, but I'm not that young. Marrying me won't make you a full-on cradle-robber. When people find out we got married, they'll ask you, "Wow, she looks young! How old is she?" and then you'll be all, "She's 28," and then they'll be like, "Oh. Well, she's almost 30, so that's cool. Mazel tov. [except I'm Catholic]." In other words, people won't think you're a creepy old man if you choose to marry me.

3. I live in the Bay Area. Just not YOUR Bay Area. But what's a technicality between friends (and future spouses)? We both live in cities near water, and that's enough of a commonality. Steve Perry could just as easily have been singing about Tampa in that song.

4. I won't mooch off you. Promise. Mike, I am an independent woman, and that wouldn't stop just because we got married. I am happily employed, and I'm not planning to quit my job any time soon. Well, I would have to quit my job if I were to move to your Bay Area, but then I'd get another one. What I'm trying to say here is that I wouldn't just sit around our home eating bon bons and spending your hard-earned money buying myself pretty things. I can do that with my own money.

So you may be asking yourself, why would a girl like me want to marry a guy like you? Well, for one, you're hot. Sorry. It had to be said. I watch Dirty Jobs to look at your face. The fact that it happens to be entertaining and educational is just icing on top of the cake. If you were to star in a show where all you did was stare out a window for sixty straight minutes, I'd watch that too. I don't care. If your face is featured, I'm watching.

You also look like the type of guy who could wrestle a bear, build a ship from scratch, make love to your woman, and fight a band of ninjas ALL AT THE SAME TIME AND BEFORE YOU HAVE YOUR MORNING CUP OF COFFEE. In other words, you look like a manly man, a rugged prince, a badass. It doesn't matter if you can't actually do any of that; you just look like you can, and that's really what counts. And in a state where it seems all that's available is any one of the following: