Monday, August 29, 2011

How to Piss Off White People in a Bar

For best results, carry out this social experiment in a bar that is either all or mostly full of white people. The results will be that much more hilarious as they will be amplified.

* * *

1. Put money in the juke box.

2. Select an obnoxious song like "Tubthumping."

3. If given the option to insert more money to insure that your song will be played next, DO IT.

4. Stand back and watch as those who put in their song selections earlier walk up to the juke box in a drunken stupor and confusedly try to force their heavy-lidded eyes to zero in on it, as if staring it down will somehow solve the mystery as to why they selected a song to play 30 minutes ago and it still has yet to play while the obnoxious, horseshit-sucky ditty that's currently playing is take up precious song space. I guarantee you they calculated precisely when their song could be expected to be played, and the fact that you went in and fucked up the playlist will cause confusion, frustration, anger, and, ultimately, hilarity.

Van Der Meme just 'cause:

Proof That Justin Bieber Looks Like Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry

Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry

Justin Bieber

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS, EITHER. Chickety-check what I ran across while searching for pictures:

BOOM. Told ya so.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Ava: Therapy Dog?

A few weeks ago at work, a friend and I got to talking about how cool it would be if we could get our dogs certified as therapy dogs. Images flooded my mind of Ava having her belly rubbed by a group of kids in a hospital and of sitting on the laps of the elderly while they regaled her with war stories and pictures of their grandchildren. I decided to do a little research.

As soon as I pulled up the test drafted by Therapy Dogs International, it became painfully obvious that the only thing Ava would be able to give to the elderly and sick kids were heart attacks and fear. She would pretty much fail the entire test. Here are a few examples (pulled directly from the requirements brochure, which you can view here):

Accepting a Friendly Stranger
"This test demonstrates that the dog will allow a friendly stranger to approach it and speak to the handler in a natural, everyday situation...The dog must show no sign of resentment or shyness, and must not break position or try to go to the Evaluator."

FAIL. On our walks, Ava will lunge at strangers because she wants to attack them with her love.

Walking Through a Crowd
"The dog and handler walk around and pass close to several people (at least three). The dog may show some interest in the strangers, without appearing overexuberant, shy, or resentful...The dog should not be straining at the leash."

FAIL. I've walked Ava past three or more people in my neighborhood. She wants to attack them ALL with her love. And in any crowd thicker than three people, I'm pretty sure she'd flip her shit.

Reaction to Another Dog
"Two handlers and their dogs approach each other from a distance of about 10 yards, stop, shake hands and exchange pleasantries, and continue on for about 5 yards. The dogs should show no more than a casual interest in each other."

FAIL. Ava will go from thinking she's hot shit around other dogs to being afraid of them to wanting to play in about three seconds. She can't figure them out. She may also have split personality disorder.

I'm just glad I looked up the test before I waltzed in and was all, "Go ahead and test my dog, she's awesome, and I'm sure she wouldn't give a Hospice patient high blood pressure." That would have been embarrassing.

* * *

So I swore that when I got a dog, I wouldn't be one of those crazy pet owners who open up Twitter and Facebook accounts for their animals because it was a little wackadoo. But then I thought of all the hilarious and inappropriate stuff I could tweet as my dog, so I caved and now Ava's on Twitter. Follow her if you want. She tweets about Justin Bieber.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Sad Bastard Music Monday: Iron and Wine Edition

My friend Brian gave me the idea for this one when he mentioned the song, "Naked As We Came" in response to my last Sad Bastard Music Monday post. I got to thinking, and Iron and Wine really does have a lot of melancholy songs, which is PERFECT for Sad Bastard Music Monday. So without further ado...

"Naked As We Came"


"Boy With a Coin"

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

No, I Don't Actually Hate Jews

I love 'em. Jesus was a Jew. My comment on Holy Taco was simply trying to make a point (see here for the blog post AND ALL OF THE COMMENTS IT HAS GENERATED*). My point is this: there are some pretty talented unknown bloggers out there, who would LOVE to get as many page views and comments Holy Taco's blog post has gotten. Yet because they don't offend a particular group of people, they go on being unknown, because apparently, that's the only way to get people to read, comment on, and RE-BLOG your post. Publicity is publicity. Whether it's positive or negative, it still puts you at the forefront of peoples' minds. Holy Taco still got page views, which, if it's monetized (and I'm sure it is), translates to revenue. Holy Taco could give a crap if people love what they post or hate it; in the end, it is still getting visits and generating buzz.

Am I bitter? A little. I would love to get enough page views and comments to where I could monetize my blog, and I'm sure I'm not the only writer out there who feels that way. So if you'd like to support writers who are actually talented and who don't post content that makes fun of people, might I suggest checking out the following list:

::End Rant::

I DO want to say a big thank you to those who have been visiting. Thanks for the support! Glad you're (hopefully) enjoying the blog. :-)

*Yeah, I get that I kind of undermined myself by linking to the exact blog post that I've been ranting about, but I needed to give a point of reference to anybody who didn't come here from Holy Taco.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Sad Bastard Music Monday: Chicago Edition

It's Monday, and you know what that means? A lot of sad and depressed people running around. Know why they're sad and depressed? They're grieving. They're grieving the loss of the weekend. They're grieving the fact that they have to get up at an ungodly hour and be productive for the next four days. They're grieving the fact that they can't drink at noon (well, maybe it's just me). Even though I have no hard facts to back up what I'm about to say, I firmly believe that Monday is the most depressing day of the week.

Know what I say to that? LET'S BE SAD. Monday is a huge suckfest all the way around, and we're just kidding ourselves when we go around and say trite shit like, "This is going to be a great week!" and, "I am going to stay positive today!" No, you won't. The minute you step foot into your office, or classroom, or wherever you work, that smile will turn upside down and you'll be wishing that you were addicted to cigarettes so you could get a break every half hour or so. Chances are, this week will be just as mundane and suicide-inducing as last week until you're set free for two days by the wondrous, sexy weekend. So let's cut the crap and just indulge in our Monday blues. Which is why I'm starting a new feature I'm calling Sad Bastard Music Monday, where I will post a short playlist of songs that'll make you want to curl up on the couch with a box of tissues and season one of Dawson's Creek and just BAWL YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT.

To kick off this new feature, I decided to go with one of my personal favorites when it comes to sad bastard music: Chicago. So sit back, close your eyes, and let Peter Cetera's voice make sad, reluctantly consensual love to your mind. It won't be satisfying for either one of you, and you'll probably wind up even more depressed than you were before, but it's Monday. Let it happen. It's okay to cry.