Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Teen Idol Beat-Down: Hanson vs. the Jonas Brothers

I might as well make this a Tuesday feature since apparently I just can't bother to post on Mondays. ANYway, it's a new week, which means it's a new Teen Idol Beat-Down! The concept is simple: a teen idol from yesterday is pitted against a teen idol of today in a fictional fight. The winner will be decided via poll, and to help you make an informed decision, I will be presenting the advantages each contender has. This week we have...

Hanson vs. the Jonas Brothers

It's 3-on3 this week, y'all! 3-man band Hanson vs. 3-man band the Jonas Brothers. Wow, that was an awkward sentence. It also had the number 3 a lot. Wait, did the spirit of a Sesame Street character momentarily overtake my body and try to make this post sponsored by the number 3? What's happening here?

Oh. Right. You don't give a flying fuck about Sesame Street or about how many 3s are in this post. Get back to the fight, yo! Well, alright. In 1997, Hanson bopped to the top of the charts with their hit, "Mmmbop." I do believe everybody back then--even Hanson fans--pretended to loath the song, but as soon as they got home, they turned that shit up and danced their asses off. And really, can you blame them? IT'S A CATCHY SONG. 

I'm not even gonna lie, I have it downloaded to my iPod, and I jam out in my apartment. Along with, "Said I Loved You, But I Lied." Sometimes you need a little Michael Bolton in your life. 

Anyway. Taylor was the undisputed cutie of the group, Issac was the beast, and everybody wanted to punch Zac in the face because he was so annoying. But together, they were loved. 

I think the Jonas Brothers came on the scene via Camp Rock, although don't quote me on that. From my point of view, they just appeared out of nowhere. Along with a bunch of Camp Rock stuff. I don't really know who is considered the cutie, the beast, or the annoying one in this trio, because I'm not in their target audience, and I'm too lazy to Google it. I just know one is named Nick, one is named Joe, I don't know the other one's name, one is married, and I guess one or all of them had or have purity rings. And they're tight with Mickey and Minnie:

So with that extremely unhelpful information, who would win: Hanson or the Jonas Brothers?

Hanson: Pros
-There's three of them, so together they could put up a decent fight.
-They rocked long hair and grunge wear. That's pretty badass.
-Zac might have been irritating as hell, but homeslice looked to be scrappy. I'll bet he could cut a bitch.

The Jonas Brothers: Pros
-There's three of them, so together they could put up a decent fight.
-They have the support of Mickey, Minnie, their friends, and the ENTIRE DISNEY ENTERPRISE. Since Disney rules the universe, the Jonas Brothers have ready access to a host of ass-kicking resources. 
-They ALL look like they could cut a bitch if provoked. 

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*Images from Zimbio and HollyWire

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