Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Royally Ridiculous Fantasy

Hey. Can I share a secret with you if you promise not to judge or laugh too harshly? Yes? Okay, here goes...

::deep breath::

I'm sort of geeking out about the Royal Wedding.

I know, I know. I'm one of those people who you want to punch in the face. You're sick of, "William and Kate this" and, "William and Kate that," and I'm giddy at the thought of what the future princess' wedding gown will look like. So what's up with my obsession? It's twofold.

For one, it's a reboot of the royal nuptials that went down back in 1981. I may not have existed when that wedding took place, but I've seen some of the footage, and it's disappointing. I'm sure Diana and Charles had some great qualities, but they weren't exactly the most handsome people on the face of the planet, and Diana's dress was fugly with a capital F. (Sorry, Di, rest in peace, boo.) While Prince William is no Johnny Depp, Kate Middleton is cute enough for the both of them, and girlfriend has good style, so logic dictates that their wedding will pwn Charles and Diana's.

Secondly, I get to vicariously live out my fantasy of becoming a princess through Kate Middleton. I've harbored this fantasy since I was a kid, but my path to the throne is starkly different from Kate's. I fully blame King Ralph. Ever since seeing that movie, I've hoped that secretly I was a long-lost relative of a royal family (country doesn't matter; I'm not picky!) and that by some freak accident they all wind up dead and I become either a princess or a queen. Kids, that's the stuff of which fairy tales are made.

So what would I do if I ever broke into the royal ranks? In all honesty, I'd probably be just a tad self-indulgent at first because I JUST BECAME A FUCKING PRINCESS. I would stare at my tiara for a full two hours first thing in the morning. Just admiring it. Polishing up the diamonds and rubies. Relishing the fact that even though I wasn't popular enough to be voted prom queen or homecoming queen in high school, I was sure as shit more than adequate to be a real-life princess, thus pwning the entire TCHS class of 2002. After the two hours were up, I'd place my tiara on my head and wear it for the rest of the day. It would have its own Facebook page. I would treat it like Flat Stanley except it wouldn't be flat and it would be an honest-to-god tiara. It would RSVP to my high school reunion on my behalf.

I would also throw mad crazy parties in the castle. I would use any excuse to fly out my friends for a few days of revelry: the Oscars, (Insert Name of Country) Idol, just because it was Wednesday. I would have old money at my disposal, so the alcohol would be top-notch: Grey Goose, Cristal, Dom Perignon. If anybody tried to sneak in some shit like Popov, I'd have the royal guards escort their asses out. Seriously, Popov? At a royal party? Are they kidding me?

If I became a princess, that would make Ava a royal dog, which means she'd have her own tricked-out doggy castle. And her own tiara so we could be twins. She would also have a collar made out of diamonds because that's how she would roll.

If I became a princess, I would do the following (in no particular order):

1. Watch The Princess Diaries and laugh at the irony.
2. Re-visit King Ralph and laugh at the irony.
3. Play Risk and laugh at the irony.
4. Develop my own signature perfume.
5. Buy this and play Hansel and Gretel with my friends.

You know, looking back at my list, I'd make a horrible princess. I'd be boorish. Selfish. Probably hated by my staff and subjects. My abuse of power would know no bounds. So I think I'll leave being a respectable princess up to Kate and tune in to watch her say, "I do" instead.


  1. Haha, I love this post, and am amused by the gross abuse of power. I also like how Kate is always referred to as a commoner even though her family are millionaires...if she is common what are we?!?!

  2. It would RSVP to my high school reunion on my behalf.... Best. line. ever.