Teen Idol Beat-Down: JTT vs. Justin Bieber

If you couldn't already tell, I've had teen heartthrobs on the brain lately. Naturally, reminiscing over the Tiger Beat kings of yesteryear caused me to wonder: in a full-out cage match-type of brawl between a teen idol of yore and a teen idol of today, who would win? After the ass-kicking is done and nothing is left but blood, broken bones, and a bruised ego, who would emerge victorious and who would be in the fetal position in the corner, sniveling and sobbing?

Hence, a new blog feature: Teen Idol Beat-Down. Every Monday, there will be a new match, and a winner will be decided via poll. The pros of each fighter will be listed by yours truly, so you can better make an informed decision. Got it? Good. Here we go!

JTT vs. Justin Bieber

Jonathan Taylor Thomas, a.k.a. JTT, won over the hearts of pre-teen girls and confused boys everywhere in the mid- to late-nineties. Every week he entered into homes via Home Improvement, and starring roles in movies such as Man of the House and Tom and Huck served to solidify his teen heartthrob status. 

After being discovered on YouTube in 2008, Justin Bieber found success (and a large tween fan base) in the musical realm. The latter part of the millennium's first decade saw his delicate bone structure and standard skinny jeans cause otherwise normal human beings to go absolutely apeshit at the mere mention of his name.  

This begs the question: who would win in a teen idol beat-down, JTT or Justin Bieber?

JTT: Pros

-extensive knowledge of tools from being on Home Improvement

-short in stature, so he can move quickly

-pouty lips and a killer olive complexion that could make even the most heterosexual of men question his orientation

-smart

Justin Bieber: Pros

-delicate bone structure

-skinny jeans

-melodic voice

-serious game when it comes to the ladies, as seen in this interview with Chelsea Handler

Quizzes by Quibblo.com | SnapApp Quiz Apps

Interview with JTT!

Question: Did I, with vague wording, entice you to click on the title of this post, thinking that I, lowly SVB, interviewed the one and only Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Answer: Yes. Yes, I did. I make no apologies. Because while I myself did not interview the late 90s teen heartthrob, Entertainment Weekly did. To be honest, the interview was actually pretty boring. The kid (well, he's--gasp!--30, so I guess he's no longer a kid) hasn't done much of anything besides a few stints on Smallville and Veronica Mars and generally LIVING LIKE A BOSS:

"I’ve been going to school, and traveling quite a bit, getting to read a lot of books I’ve wanted to for quite some time."

But no matter. Just the mere mention of the letters "JTT" transports me back to a time when piles of Bop Magazines took up way too much space under my bed, posters of JTT were plastered on my walls, and Home Improvement and Man of the House were considered regular viewing.They also bring back the memory of when Meagan and I co-wrote a fan letter and decorated the envelope with sayings such as, "I <3 JTT" and "Home Improvement RULES!" in colorful magic marker, because BOP said that decorated envelopes were more likely to get read by the celebrity. Here's what we got in return:

A mass-generated auto-response.

Don't worry, we weren't disappointed. Receiving a picture of JTT, even one as impersonal as an auto-response, was still thrilling. He could just do no wrong. We understood that he was very busy filming Pinocchio and Tom and Huck.We didn't hold it against him.

Entertainment Weekly also organized a Home Improvement cast reunion, which made me curse the fact that I do not read entertainment magazines. Sometimes the loss of a few brain cells is worth it to see Al Borland still working that flannel LIKE A BOSS in 2012. But you know who I was most surprised by? Patricia Richardson and Heidi. They are looking phenomenal. And as for JTT? Aside from being a little pale with messy hair, he's still adorable. In other words, I'd still hit it. 

I'm going to wrap up this nonsensical post with the wedding scene from Man of the House because it's awesome and features that bad-ass Enigma song that I will forever associate with the movie.