Teen Idol Beat-Down: JTT vs. Justin Bieber

If you couldn't already tell, I've had teen heartthrobs on the brain lately. Naturally, reminiscing over the Tiger Beat kings of yesteryear caused me to wonder: in a full-out cage match-type of brawl between a teen idol of yore and a teen idol of today, who would win? After the ass-kicking is done and nothing is left but blood, broken bones, and a bruised ego, who would emerge victorious and who would be in the fetal position in the corner, sniveling and sobbing?

Hence, a new blog feature: Teen Idol Beat-Down. Every Monday, there will be a new match, and a winner will be decided via poll. The pros of each fighter will be listed by yours truly, so you can better make an informed decision. Got it? Good. Here we go!

JTT vs. Justin Bieber

Jonathan Taylor Thomas, a.k.a. JTT, won over the hearts of pre-teen girls and confused boys everywhere in the mid- to late-nineties. Every week he entered into homes via Home Improvement, and starring roles in movies such as Man of the House and Tom and Huck served to solidify his teen heartthrob status. 

After being discovered on YouTube in 2008, Justin Bieber found success (and a large tween fan base) in the musical realm. The latter part of the millennium's first decade saw his delicate bone structure and standard skinny jeans cause otherwise normal human beings to go absolutely apeshit at the mere mention of his name.  

This begs the question: who would win in a teen idol beat-down, JTT or Justin Bieber?

JTT: Pros

-extensive knowledge of tools from being on Home Improvement

-short in stature, so he can move quickly

-pouty lips and a killer olive complexion that could make even the most heterosexual of men question his orientation

-smart

Justin Bieber: Pros

-delicate bone structure

-skinny jeans

-melodic voice

-serious game when it comes to the ladies, as seen in this interview with Chelsea Handler

Quizzes by Quibblo.com | SnapApp Quiz Apps

Open Letter to Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Hi Jonathan (a.k.a. JTT a.k.a Simba a.k.a. the man of my house [read: dreams] when I was 13),

My name is SVB. You don't know me, but I loved your face back in 1997 (as did every other girl between the ages of 10 and 14). I faithfully watched Home Improvement every week, I owned all of your movies (even that creepy live-action version of Pinocchio; I'm sorry for calling something you worked hard on creepy, but it kind of was. I mean, I'm sure if I was high it would blow my mind, but looking back on it 15 years later and sober, it does look like something out of one of my nightmares) and, like the rest of your fans, I was bummed when you disappeared off the face of the Earth. So imagine my surprise and delight when I stumbled upon your Entertainment Weekly interview! It's like with that one interview, the world went from, "Remember when JTT was RULING at EVERYTHING back in the late 90s?" to, "HOLY FUCKING HELL, JTT IS BACK! JUSTIN BIEBER BETTER GIRD HIS LOINS AND WATCH HIS BACK BECAUSE SIMBA IS GOING TO MAUL THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!" Or something. It was cool to see you back in the spotlight, is what I'm getting at.

It was also cool to see that you've taken to the Twitter. While I have no definitive proof that it is actually YOUR Twitter account, I am assuming it is based on the following:

1.) It is private, and fake accounts generally aren't;

2.) Your profile background is a picture I have not been able to find on Google Images, which means that it's not in the public domain, which means only people close to that photo have access, which leads me to believe that it is really your account.

To be honest, I really haven't searched that hard for that specific picture, and there is a chance I am really stupid when it comes to using Google Images, but I'm still going to assume that's your actual Twitter profile. Going on this assumption, I sent a follow request, which you ignored.

 

I understand where you're coming from. You have no idea who the hell I am. Why would you want a stranger following you? That's creepy. I would normally agree, except for the fact that you have 1,071 followers. Really, Jonathan? Do you really know 1,071 people? Could you honestly say that you've met all 1,071 of your Twitter followers and you hang out with them on a normal basis? If you were to win a Super Bowl Party for 1,071 of your closest friends, would you invite every single one of your Twitter followers?

Let's be real here. Just because you allow a user access to your tweets doesn't mean that you're allowing him or her access into your heart and home. It doesn't grant that user an invite to an Oscar Party you may be hosting or an hour-long heart-to-heart phone convo. And I don't want any of that. I have no intention of showing up on your doorstep in a homemade JTT shirt with the entire Home Improvement DVD collection and demanding we have a viewing marathon during which I describe to you (in detail) how each episode made me feel. First of all, I don't own any Home Improvement DVDs. Second of all, I'm not that crafty. Any attempt at making a homemade t-shirt will end up looking like this:

I just wanna see your tweets, bra. I'm curious as to what your thoughts will look like limited to 140 characters. Some of mine are as follows:

"Cramming a muffin into my pie-hole. MMMMMM."

"Dick Van Dyke is looking a little Donald Sutherland-y."

"Just bought $12 worth of juice. Holy Shit."

Believe it or not, there are worse tweets out there. There are better. I'm betting yours are one of the better ones, and I just want to read them.

So, dear, sweet, Jonathan, I will send one more follow request. I urge you to think long and hard before dismissively hitting "ignore." I'm not a psychopath; I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy's Twitter profile, asking him to let her see his tweets.

Bye bye,

SVB

P.S. Contrary to what it looks like, I was not drunk when I wrote this. 

P.P.S. Kisses and hearts