Friday, January 13, 2012

Ticking Time Bomb

Hi there. My name is Sarah. I'm 28 years old. I'm currently in possession of my appendix, tonsils, and gallbladder, which means that at some point THEY ARE GOING TO MALFUNCTION ALL AT ONCE AND I AM GOING TO DIE.

I'm not crazy. I'm not. I have no actual research data to back up what I'm about to say, but I figure that by the time people reach my age, they've had at least two of the three removed. The fact that I've made it this long with all of my organs still kickin' means that Murphy's Law is about to drop a death bomb on my unsuspecting ass and my appendix will burst, my tonsils will inexplicably burst into flame, and my gallbladder will do...whatever gallbladders do when they malfunction. And I will die. Either that, or they will fail in succession like the Old Testament plagues.

Understandably, this inevitability makes me a little paranoid. Sometimes when I feel a pain in my side--no matter which side it is--I will automatically think, "OH CRAP, IS IT MY APPENDIX? DO I NEED TO MAKE UP AN OVERNIGHT BAG? SHOULD I QUICKLY DRAFT UP A WILL ON THE BACK OF A NAPKIN AND EMPHASIZE THAT IT IS 'LEGIT' IN CASE MY APPENDIX BURSTS IN THE NEXT 20 MINUTES AND I DIE AND MY PARENTS NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY AMERICAN GIRL BOOKS?" (Yeah, I have some AG books. Jealous?) When my throat gets a little scratchy, my thoughts race: "I REALLY HOPE IT'S NOT MY TONSILS I CAN'T AFFORD TONSIL SURGERY NOW, WELL MAYBE I COULD IF I DIDN'T BUY MY ACNE MEDS, BUT THEN MY FACE WILL EXPLODE AND I'D RATHER HAVE MY THROAT ON FIRE THAN LOOK LIKE A HUMAN PIZZA, ESPECIALLY IF THERE ARE CUTE GUYS AROUND." Then I think that if I had to bite the bullet and get my tonsils removed, I'd be able to justify feasting on popsicles and ice cream 24/7 and then I'm straight. If my gallbladder were to explode or do whatever it is that gallbladders do when they break, I'd be shit out of luck because it is clear I know nothing about gallbladders, and their role in the human body, and I'm too lazy to go on WebMD to find out.

The point of my seemingly pointless rambling? If I'm found dead in my apartment in the next 5-10 years and the doctors determine that it's natural causes and they're puzzled because I was a seemingly healthy woman, YOU'LL KNOW WHAT WENT DOWN.

First person to leave a comment gets my American Girl books! I have 5 of the 6 Samantha books and all of the Addy ones. Jealous?


  1. DON'T DIE. But if you do, I want the books.

  2. YOU GOT' EM! Lawyer people, I cannot emphasize enough that this virtual agreement is legit.

  3. Damn it! I wanted the books... oh wait, I work in a library. Nevermind.

    P.S. - I've only had my tonsils removed, and I'm without wisdom teeth. Everything else is still holding on.