Saturday, December 12, 2009

Discovery Channel and TLC are Sexin' Things Up!

Remember the days when you could tune in to either the Discovery Channel or TLC and, without fail, catch a mind-numbing documentary about wildebeests humping? No matter what time of the day or night, you were sure to see those damn wildebeests mating or, on a day when the programming directors wished to spice things up a bit, a close-up of an insect doing...something. Thank GOD those days are over, am I right? Both channels have really stepped up their programming game in the past decade, broadcasting shows that are not only interesting, educational and funny, but also feature extremely good-looking male hosts. Tonight I wish to shine the spotlight on two such hosts: Curtis Stone and Mike Rowe.

I discovered who Curtis Stone was back in 2006 while idly channel surfing one day after classes. I landed on "Take Home Chef," a show he used to host on TLC, and couldn't bring myself to change the channel. His good looks and Aussie accent sucked me right in and I was hooked. I watched that show faithfully until its last episode. Curtis turned out to be instrumental in getting me to actually give a crap about cooking; up until then, I hated it. But by watching "Take Home Chef," I saw that cooking was actually interesting and could be--gasp--fun. And I was tired of eating Hot Pockets all the time. A surprising bonus was that even though I was watching it for the sole purpose of ogling Curtis, I found myself actually learning things about cooking I didn't know before. For example, did you know that the sharpness (or lack thereof) of your knife determines how much your eyes will tear while chopping onions? Oh, you did? Piss off, then. My point is that I didn't know that, and learning such tidbits of information I think made me a more competent cook. (Although I think a few friends and c0-workers would beg to differ; in fact, I can just hear the laughter now.)

Discovery Channel's "Dirty Jobs" is proof that I will watch a man shovel poop for an hour, provided the man is attractive. Enter the very manly and rugged Mike Rowe, who, in addition to shoveling poop, chums for sharks, collects trash and does a myriad of other disgusting tasks that allow the show to live up to its name. And yes, I am trying very very hard not to make a pun using the words "dirty," "job" or "dirty job." It's killing me. Anyway, Mike Rowe is the only man who can make shit look good. The dirty jobs he performs also happen to be very labor-intensive (Must. Not. Make. Pun.) and his body shows it. I LOVE his arms and chest. LOVE them. Every time I watch an episode my thoughts wander to what I would do if--well, I'll stop there before things get all X-rated up in here. Let's just say that I have a dirty job Mike can do if he's ever interested. (Yep, see, I knew I wouldn't be able to get through this post without making some sort of pun. Man, I feel better!)

I've noticed a theme appear from watching these men do their thing on television: I start out watching the shows just to gawk at the hot hosts, but I end up actually learning something in the process. So here's to Curtis Stone and Mike Rowe: Curtis, thanks to you, I now know that if I ever decide to cook a whole lobster, I should put it in a freezer first so the experience of taking a swim in a boiling pot of water won't be quite so traumatic. Mike, if I am ever faced with having to sex an alligator, I know from watching your show that I need to stick my finger up its ass to feel for a penis or lack thereof. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll ever actually need to use this information, but if anything, it's a good conversation-starter at parties. So thanks guys! You make learning look good.

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