Poop Wars

When you work in an office environment, certain things about your co-workers will start to annoy you after awhile. It's only natural; after all, you spend forty hours a week with the same people, tensions will arise from time to time. And while I do get aggravated with my immediate co-workers sometimes, lately it's been the people that work on the floor below me who have really been getting my goat.

The building where I work is small, with two floors. The first floor tends to get the most traffic: you have a few classrooms, the mail room and Career Services. The second floor is usually quieter, since there's only administrative offices: Human Resources, Public Information, and my department. Each floor has its own bathroom. Well last month, I noticed people from a certain office on the first floor making appearances on my floor. At first, I didn't think much of it; like I said, the human resources office is on my floor, so I just figured they were talking with someone about benefits or whatever. And then one day, on my way back from the mail room, I saw one of the first floor people on my floor, heading straight for the bathroom. That's when it hit me: the only reason they're coming up to the second floor is to use our bathroom! And the only reason why they would make such a pilgrimage, seeing as how they have their own bathroom, is to poop! They're using our bathroom for the sole purpose of pooping!

This bothers me to no end! First of all, our bathroom is small--only two stalls. So when somebody poops, it's painfully obvious. Second of all, I have to deal with the people on my floor pooping--why should I now have to deal with them, plus additional people? Why can't the people on the first floor just use their own bathroom? I swear, every time I see a first floor person make The Pilgrimage up to the second floor, I want to go all Little John on their ass and make them pay a toll before using the bathroom. What is so wrong with their bathroom?

Yesterday, I found out. Having to do some, uh, business myself, I decided to use the first floor bathroom and scope out what might be so wrong with it to make otherwise rational people climb two flights of stairs just to use a bathroom on the second floor. And you know what? Nothing was wrong with it. In fact, it was gorgeous! Way, way bigger than ours--six stalls--and a nice, airy sink and counter area. Even the material on the counter, which was probably some cheap granite look-alike, still looked better than any material in our bathroom! And, despite arriving at a high traffic time--when classes got out--there was still no wait time. In short: there is absolutely NO REASON why the first floor people can't use their own bathroom.

Yet they continue to use ours. But you know what? Two can play at that game. I am now using the first floor bathroom for my personal pooping needs (PPN). And I hope I stink it up nice and good and pass a first floor person on my way out so they'll know who desecrated their bathroom. And then, when I pass that same person on my floor, heading to my bathroom, I'll just look at them and give them a knowing nod that lets them know I know all about their squirrely ways. The Poop Wars have begun.