Teen Idol Beat-Down: Melissa Joan Hart vs. Hilary Duff

Who says teen idols have to be relegated to the guys? There are plenty of ladies out there who are just as prominent in teen pop culture and who deserve a shot at a fair fight. In case you're new to the game, Teen Idol Beat-Down lets us imagine a fictional fight between a teen idol of yore and a teen idol of today. Winner will be decided via poll; most votes = biggest badass. As always, I will be outlining each fighter's strengths so you can make an informed decision. Let's meet two new contenders tonight, shall we?

Melissa Joan Hart vs. Hilary Duff

In the early 90s, Melissa Joan Hart was in a show on Nickelodeon called Clarissa Explains It All. Wearing outfits that would make anybody else look like a moron, she matter-of-factly discussed everything from how to deal with annoying little brothers to juggling multiple after school jobs. After Clarissa, she starred in Sabrina the Teenage Witch, where pretty much every episode was about her aunts telling her she couldn't use her magic powers because it was unfair to everybody else and Sabrina going, "Eff that, I'm using them!" Because having magical powers and not being able to use them is BULLSHIT. 

Hilary Duff came on the scene at the dawn of the new millennium when she starred in Lizzie McGuire. I honestly couldn't tell you what Lizzie McGuire was about. All I know is that Lizzie had some cartoon version of herself that would follow her around. I don't know if they solved mysteries, schemed together, or if Lizzie was just super high all the time, but what I CAN tell you is that Hilary Duff looked like a Barbie doll whose head had been ripped off and then shoved back down all the way to her shoulders. Girlfriend had no neck, and it was very unfortunate.

But then the post-Disney era dawned, and Hilary starred in a few movies, got a better hairstyle, and solidified herself as a full-fledged teen idol before disappearing off the face of the planet to get married and have babies. 

Both of these ladies look like they would put up a good fight, but only one can emerge victorious. So who will it be: Melissa Joan Hart or Hilary Duff?

Melissa Joan Hart

-Magical powers. BOOM. 'Nuff said. She also may or may not have a glass eye, which is pretty badass.

-Um, see the first bullet point. Do I really need to go on?

Hilary Duff

-So she hallucinated a cartoon version of herself. Bitch be CRAY CRAY. She's a loose cannon, which can be advantageous. 

-I'm also sure not having a neck for the first part of her career probably gave her a lot of pent-up anger that's just waiting to be unleashed. 

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Teen Idol Beat-Down: Justin Timberlake vs. Justin Timberlake

I want you to stop, close your eyes, and inhale deeply. Smell that? That's the smell of another teen idol beat-down. Once again, you get to decide who would reign victorious in a showdown between a teen idol of yesterday and a teen idol of today. Results will be decided via poll, and, as always, I'll be listing the strengths of each contender so you can make an informed decision. Use your power wisely, young ones. This week we have:

Justin Timberlake vs. Justin Timberlake

YES, THIS IS COMPLETELY FAIR. Justin Timberlake has managed to stay relevant FOR OVER A DECADE. My theory is the reverse Samson-effect: instead of losing all of his power by cutting off his weird white boy 'fro, HE ONLY GOT MORE POWERFUL. Either that, or he's a member of the Illuminati.

For those of you living under a rock, Justin Timberlake got his start in show business by being on The Mickey Mouse Club. However, it wasn't until he joined *N Sync that his status as teen heartthrob was solidified. 

[We interrupt this regularly scheduled beat-down to bring you these messages]

HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL. *N SYNC STILL HAS ITS OWN WEBSITE, AND YES, THIS IS DESERVING OF ALL CAPS! I don't know which I'm more amazed by, the fact that this defunct band still has a home on the web, or that the majority of the guys still use MySpace.

[Back to your regularly scheduled programming]

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. I remember now. Justin Timberlake joined  *N Sync and set teen hearts aflame despite his unattractive hair.

Off-topic, but is Chris Kirkpatrick mixed?

Then *N Sync broke up, J.T. embarked on  a solo career, and several hit songs, a few movie roles, and ten years later, bada bing, bada boom, here we are today:

Still relevant, bitches.

So who do you think would win? Justin Timberlake Then or Justin Timberlake Now?

Justin Timberlake-Then Pros:

-He looked like he just didn't give a shit back in those days. That, coupled with a scrappy personality (which it looks like he had), is a dangerous combination.

-THAT HAIR. It is terrifying.

-Band mates. He can call for reinforcements.

Justin Timberlake-Now Pros:

-Age. With age comes wisdom, and I think J.T. would fight smart, not hard.

-Confidence. He has no doubt about his ass-whooping abilities.

-Style. He'd give you a beating, and look good while doing it. 

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Teen Idol Beat-Down: James Van Der Beek vs. Zac Efron

Hey, everybody! What. Up. It's Tuesday, which means it's another Teen Idol Beat-Down. What is Teen Idol Beat-Down, you ask? Simple. It seeks to answer the question, "In a fictional fight between a teen idol of yesteryear and a teen idol of today, who would win?" The winner will be decided via poll, and to help you make an informed decision, I will be outlining the pros of each contender. Ain't I nice? For tonight's battle, I present:

James Van Der Beek vs. Zac Efron

Teen girls in the late nineties swooned when they caught sight of Van Der Beek as Dawson Leery, the insecure, sensitive, uber-goober protagonist of Dawson's Creek. With the exstensive vocabulary only a home-schooler could pull off and a luxurious golden mane that shown gloriously in the sun, Van Der Beek made nerdy look cool and sexy. Zac Efron burst onto the scene in the High School Musical franchise, where he somehow made teen heartthrob status despite musical numbers like this:

Wait. Hold up. Is it just me, or does the "Bet On It" number kind of have the same vibe as this TOTALLY SERIOUS AND AWESOME AND NOT AT ALL LAME scene from Footloose?

DON'T FIGHT THE MUSIC, REN. DANCE AWAY YOUR PAIN. Oops. Sorry. I lost myself there for a moment. Anyway, who would win: James Van Der Beek or Zac Efron?

James Van Der Beek: Pros

-self-deprecating sense of humor

-www.jamesvandermemes.com

-this video

Zac Efron: Pros

-He can sing, act, and dance (subjective, but whatevs)--triple threat!

-He beefed up for this movie. If anything, it looks like he could beat someone's ass.

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Van Der Meme just 'cause:

Teen Idol Beat-Down: Hanson vs. the Jonas Brothers

I might as well make this a Tuesday feature since apparently I just can't bother to post on Mondays. ANYway, it's a new week, which means it's a new Teen Idol Beat-Down! The concept is simple: a teen idol from yesterday is pitted against a teen idol of today in a fictional fight. The winner will be decided via poll, and to help you make an informed decision, I will be presenting the advantages each contender has. This week we have...

Hanson vs. the Jonas Brothers

It's 3-on3 this week, y'all! 3-man band Hanson vs. 3-man band the Jonas Brothers. Wow, that was an awkward sentence. It also had the number 3 a lot. Wait, did the spirit of a Sesame Street character momentarily overtake my body and try to make this post sponsored by the number 3? What's happening here?

Oh. Right. You don't give a flying fuck about Sesame Street or about how many 3s are in this post. Get back to the fight, yo! Well, alright. In 1997, Hanson bopped to the top of the charts with their hit, "Mmmbop." I do believe everybody back then--even Hanson fans--pretended to loath the song, but as soon as they got home, they turned that shit up and danced their asses off. And really, can you blame them? IT'S A CATCHY SONG. 

I'm not even gonna lie, I have it downloaded to my iPod, and I jam out in my apartment. Along with, "Said I Loved You, But I Lied." Sometimes you need a little Michael Bolton in your life. 

Anyway. Taylor was the undisputed cutie of the group, Issac was the beast, and everybody wanted to punch Zac in the face because he was so annoying. But together, they were loved. 

I think the Jonas Brothers came on the scene via Camp Rock, although don't quote me on that. From my point of view, they just appeared out of nowhere. Along with a bunch of Camp Rock stuff. I don't really know who is considered the cutie, the beast, or the annoying one in this trio, because I'm not in their target audience, and I'm too lazy to Google it. I just know one is named Nick, one is named Joe, I don't know the other one's name, one is married, and I guess one or all of them had or have purity rings. And they're tight with Mickey and Minnie:

So with that extremely unhelpful information, who would win: Hanson or the Jonas Brothers?

Hanson: Pros

-There's three of them, so together they could put up a decent fight.

-They rocked long hair and grunge wear. That's pretty badass.

-Zac might have been irritating as hell, but homeslice looked to be scrappy. I'll bet he could cut a bitch.

The Jonas Brothers: Pros

-There's three of them, so together they could put up a decent fight.

-They have the support of Mickey, Minnie, their friends, and the ENTIRE DISNEY ENTERPRISE. Since Disney rules the universe, the Jonas Brothers have ready access to a host of ass-kicking resources. 

-They ALL look like they could cut a bitch if provoked. 

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*Images from Zimbio and HollyWire

Teen Idol Beat-Down: Devon Sawa vs. Darren Criss

So I'm a day late in getting this up, but it turned out to be serendipitous, as it is VALENTINE'S DAY! And what better way to celebrate than to vote on a fictional cage match between those teen heartthrobs that stole our hearts back in the day (read: late 90s/early 00s) as well as today? As always, the score will be settled via a poll. The most votes = the biggest badass. To help you make an informed decision, I will list the pros of each contestant. For tonight's match, I bring you:

Devon Sawa vs. Darren Criss

I must admit, I'm a little conflicted when it comes to this one. Being a child of the 90s, I feel compelled to side with Sawa. But truth be told, I wasn't a huge Devon Sawa fan. I fell into the JTT camp. On the other hand, I find Darren Criss absolutely adorable, and if I were thirteen and in possession of a Glee-themed Bop Magazine, his pin-ups would definitely be all over my locker at school. But who the hell cares about me, amirite? Let's get to the nitty-gritty. 

Devon Sawa made his way into the diaries of girls everywhere when he appeared in the last five minutes of the movie Casper.  I know he was in other movies, like Little Giants, Now and Then, and Wild America, but I guarantee you if you ask any girl in her 20s the first thing that pops into her head when you say "Devon Sawa," it will be Casper. Trust me on this, okay? I know. I was there. 

Darren Criss warbled (See what I did there? Glee pun, LOLZ!) his way into our hearts when he appeared on Glee's second season. Dark, handsome, and sort-of-tall (he's 5'8" according to IMDB), he brings a  sexy, Tom Fordish-kind of vibe into the midst of all the Justin Bieber wannabes and pretty boys currently dotting the teen heartthrob scene. 

Both are valiant contenders, but there can only be one winner. So who will it be? Darren Criss or Devon Sawa?

Devon Sawa: Pros

-He's got tattoos, which, as everybody knows, is a pictorial way of saying you could fuck some shit up.

-He's Canadian, which throws people off. As soon as you mark him for a pacifist, BAM! You've got a broken jaw, courtesy of his RIGHT HOOK.

-He hung out with wild animals on Wild America. Might have even wrestled a bear, I dunno. I'm too lazy to look it up. 

Darren Criss: Pros

-He's half-Filipino, which means scrappiness runs in his blood. This is not me being racist. Have you seen Filipino Mixed Martial Arts? You don't want a can of that opened on your ass.

-He can sing, which throws people off. As soon as you mark him as one of those sensitive singer-songwriter types, BAM! He is throwing some mixed martial arts at you and you're barely alive.

-He's also half-Irish, and we all know about the notorious Irish temper. Combine that with some mixed martial arts and you will be dead. Okay, that might have sounded a little racist. Sorry. Don't hate me. 

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Interview with JTT!

Question: Did I, with vague wording, entice you to click on the title of this post, thinking that I, lowly SVB, interviewed the one and only Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Answer: Yes. Yes, I did. I make no apologies. Because while I myself did not interview the late 90s teen heartthrob, Entertainment Weekly did. To be honest, the interview was actually pretty boring. The kid (well, he's--gasp!--30, so I guess he's no longer a kid) hasn't done much of anything besides a few stints on Smallville and Veronica Mars and generally LIVING LIKE A BOSS:

"I’ve been going to school, and traveling quite a bit, getting to read a lot of books I’ve wanted to for quite some time."

But no matter. Just the mere mention of the letters "JTT" transports me back to a time when piles of Bop Magazines took up way too much space under my bed, posters of JTT were plastered on my walls, and Home Improvement and Man of the House were considered regular viewing.They also bring back the memory of when Meagan and I co-wrote a fan letter and decorated the envelope with sayings such as, "I <3 JTT" and "Home Improvement RULES!" in colorful magic marker, because BOP said that decorated envelopes were more likely to get read by the celebrity. Here's what we got in return:

A mass-generated auto-response.

Don't worry, we weren't disappointed. Receiving a picture of JTT, even one as impersonal as an auto-response, was still thrilling. He could just do no wrong. We understood that he was very busy filming Pinocchio and Tom and Huck.We didn't hold it against him.

Entertainment Weekly also organized a Home Improvement cast reunion, which made me curse the fact that I do not read entertainment magazines. Sometimes the loss of a few brain cells is worth it to see Al Borland still working that flannel LIKE A BOSS in 2012. But you know who I was most surprised by? Patricia Richardson and Heidi. They are looking phenomenal. And as for JTT? Aside from being a little pale with messy hair, he's still adorable. In other words, I'd still hit it. 

I'm going to wrap up this nonsensical post with the wedding scene from Man of the House because it's awesome and features that bad-ass Enigma song that I will forever associate with the movie.