Teen Idol Beat-Down: James Van Der Beek vs. Zac Efron

Hey, everybody! What. Up. It's Tuesday, which means it's another Teen Idol Beat-Down. What is Teen Idol Beat-Down, you ask? Simple. It seeks to answer the question, "In a fictional fight between a teen idol of yesteryear and a teen idol of today, who would win?" The winner will be decided via poll, and to help you make an informed decision, I will be outlining the pros of each contender. Ain't I nice? For tonight's battle, I present:

James Van Der Beek vs. Zac Efron

Teen girls in the late nineties swooned when they caught sight of Van Der Beek as Dawson Leery, the insecure, sensitive, uber-goober protagonist of Dawson's Creek. With the exstensive vocabulary only a home-schooler could pull off and a luxurious golden mane that shown gloriously in the sun, Van Der Beek made nerdy look cool and sexy. Zac Efron burst onto the scene in the High School Musical franchise, where he somehow made teen heartthrob status despite musical numbers like this:

Wait. Hold up. Is it just me, or does the "Bet On It" number kind of have the same vibe as this TOTALLY SERIOUS AND AWESOME AND NOT AT ALL LAME scene from Footloose?

DON'T FIGHT THE MUSIC, REN. DANCE AWAY YOUR PAIN. Oops. Sorry. I lost myself there for a moment. Anyway, who would win: James Van Der Beek or Zac Efron?

James Van Der Beek: Pros

-self-deprecating sense of humor

-www.jamesvandermemes.com

-this video

Zac Efron: Pros

-He can sing, act, and dance (subjective, but whatevs)--triple threat!

-He beefed up for this movie. If anything, it looks like he could beat someone's ass.

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Van Der Meme just 'cause:

Reflections as an Adult: Dawson's Creek

If you were a teenage girl in late 90s/early 00s, there is a good chance you were obsessed with Dawson's Creek. I watched it faithfully every Wednesday night until my mom put the kibosh on it and I had to resort to watching it at my friend Dawn's house during sleepovers, which caused me to fall behind on the storyline, thus FOREVER PUTTING A DAMPER ON MY TEENAGE YEARS. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

ANYway, my friend Alisha and I decided to revisit this magical time in our lives, so we started re-watching the show. While we got sucked right back into the teenage drama and angst, some things did stick out watching it as adults:

1. Pacey dresses like a dad. He's FIFTEEN. COME ON.

15 year-old Pacey

Typical father

2. They don't talk like typical high school kids. When I was fifteen, I thought their extensive vocabulary and general OWNING of the English language was sophisticated, and my goal was to speak like them. Re-watching the show as an adult, their language didn't come off as sophisticated. Instead, they sound like a bunch of socially awkward gifted kids. In one episode, Joey actually calls Dawson a sphincter. She actually uses the word sphincter non-ironically. At my high school, calling someone a sphincter put you on the fast track to eating lunch with the kid who pissed his pants during band practice and the other kid who had a key-chain of two people having sex doggy-style (true stories). Why? Because using the word "sphincter" as an insult makes you look like a fucking loser, that's why.

3. Joey is a HUGE, catty bitch. We all know that Jen's a whore, but come on. From the second Joey meets her, she is all, "Are you a size queen?" and, "Are you a virgin, 'cause Dawson is." For someone living in a small town whose dad is in prison, whose mom is dead, and whose sister is knocked up and living in sin with her--gasp!--black boyfriend, Joey sure likes to race dangerously on the freeway to becoming a complete social outcast. "Hi, kettle? This is Joey. You're black." Also, as Alisha pointed out, she wears poor people clothes:

There's Joey, looking all poor and stuff.

4. Dawson is a HUGE goober. He's just so whiny! In one episode he was PMS-ing over the fact that Jen went to the school dance with a football player and even the look on Joey's face was all, "Dude, pull the tampon out of your vag and just GO TO THE FUCKING DANCE ALREADY, JESUS." When I was fifteen, Dawson was my perfect man. Re-watching the show as an adult, he's still the perfect man...if you like women. Snap! Oh no I di'int! 

All that being said, I still love this show. What other series could rock such an awesome 90s soundtrack?