Teen Idol Beat-Down: Hanson vs. the Jonas Brothers

I might as well make this a Tuesday feature since apparently I just can't bother to post on Mondays. ANYway, it's a new week, which means it's a new Teen Idol Beat-Down! The concept is simple: a teen idol from yesterday is pitted against a teen idol of today in a fictional fight. The winner will be decided via poll, and to help you make an informed decision, I will be presenting the advantages each contender has. This week we have...

Hanson vs. the Jonas Brothers

It's 3-on3 this week, y'all! 3-man band Hanson vs. 3-man band the Jonas Brothers. Wow, that was an awkward sentence. It also had the number 3 a lot. Wait, did the spirit of a Sesame Street character momentarily overtake my body and try to make this post sponsored by the number 3? What's happening here?

Oh. Right. You don't give a flying fuck about Sesame Street or about how many 3s are in this post. Get back to the fight, yo! Well, alright. In 1997, Hanson bopped to the top of the charts with their hit, "Mmmbop." I do believe everybody back then--even Hanson fans--pretended to loath the song, but as soon as they got home, they turned that shit up and danced their asses off. And really, can you blame them? IT'S A CATCHY SONG. 

I'm not even gonna lie, I have it downloaded to my iPod, and I jam out in my apartment. Along with, "Said I Loved You, But I Lied." Sometimes you need a little Michael Bolton in your life. 

Anyway. Taylor was the undisputed cutie of the group, Issac was the beast, and everybody wanted to punch Zac in the face because he was so annoying. But together, they were loved. 

I think the Jonas Brothers came on the scene via Camp Rock, although don't quote me on that. From my point of view, they just appeared out of nowhere. Along with a bunch of Camp Rock stuff. I don't really know who is considered the cutie, the beast, or the annoying one in this trio, because I'm not in their target audience, and I'm too lazy to Google it. I just know one is named Nick, one is named Joe, I don't know the other one's name, one is married, and I guess one or all of them had or have purity rings. And they're tight with Mickey and Minnie:

So with that extremely unhelpful information, who would win: Hanson or the Jonas Brothers?

Hanson: Pros

-There's three of them, so together they could put up a decent fight.

-They rocked long hair and grunge wear. That's pretty badass.

-Zac might have been irritating as hell, but homeslice looked to be scrappy. I'll bet he could cut a bitch.

The Jonas Brothers: Pros

-There's three of them, so together they could put up a decent fight.

-They have the support of Mickey, Minnie, their friends, and the ENTIRE DISNEY ENTERPRISE. Since Disney rules the universe, the Jonas Brothers have ready access to a host of ass-kicking resources. 

-They ALL look like they could cut a bitch if provoked. 

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*Images from Zimbio and HollyWire

More Disney Misadventures

Ah, Walt Disney World. The theme park that loves to give me the big ol' finger every time I decide to visit. The last time I set foot on Magic Kingdom grounds, I got sick and projectile vomited in the parking lot. The trip prior to that, which just so happened to be my very first visit (I was four), I crapped my pants on the Swiss Family Robinson tree house. And while this latest visit saw neither projectile vomiting or crapping in pants, it did see every possible way one could get screwed over by The Mouse.

Earlier this year, my sister and I did some volunteer work in order to get free Disney tickets, and we decided to use them when she came down to visit Memorial Day weekend. We decided to go to the Magic Kingdom because Laura was hell-bent on seeing some Disney characters. The fact that she never saw "any good characters" (her words, not mine) on her prior visits coupled with the fact that I saw every major Disney character within thirty minutes of stepping foot inside the theme park on my last visit drove her insane, and she was determined that, come hell or high water, she would see some good characters. So on Saturday, armed with my camera, we made the trek to Orlando to experience some good old-fashioned Disney magic.

The day started off promising...

The day started out promising. We arrived right when the park opened, and it was sunny and clear. We started off in Fantasyland and got in about two good hours of riding attractions before it started to rain. But even then we got lucky because when it first started raining, we were in line at the tea cup ride (which was under cover), and after we were through riding it the rain had stopped. So we ventured over to Tomorrowland and got in line for Space Mountain, and afterwards emerged into a downpour. Since neither one of us had an umbrella or a poncho, we at first decided to wait it out. But after a few minutes, the rain showed no sign of letting up, and we were really itching to ride the Buzz Lightyear ride, so we decided to chance it and darted out in the mess. By the time we got in line for the Buzz Lightyear ride, we were water-logged. Our clothes were soaked and our feet were cold and wet because we managed to step in two of the deepest puddles on that side of the park. And the bad luck just kept coming.

Soaking wet after getting caught in the rain

On our way to Adventureland to get some Dole Whip later that afternoon, we made a pit stop in front of Cinderella's castle. It was 2:10, and at 2:15 a performance of "Dream Along With Mickey" was scheduled. Since my sister was so determined to see some "good" Disney characters, she wanted to stay for the show, so we parked ourselves right up front, got the camera ready, and waited for it to begin. By this point it had stopped raining again, but it was still overcast, and I jokingly said, "Watch, the show will be cancelled because of the weather." No sooner had the words left my mouth when the announcer came on and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, due to the inclement weather, this performance has been temporarily delayed." My sister gave me the stink eye as I started laughing, and I assured her that there were two performances scheduled for later and we'd just go to one of those.

After our rendezvous in Adventureland, we decided to get an early dinner (it was around 4:00 by this point, and we hadn't had an actual meal since breakfast). After consulting the theme park map, we decided to eat at Cinderella's Royal Table, since the Disney characters were guaranteed to make an appearance there. We trekked back over to Fantasyland and got in line at the restaurant when the question of reservations came up. I whipped out my BlackBerry to look it up and was disappointed to find out that not only were reservations required, you had to make them a whopping 180 days in advance. We ended up eating pizza at some hokey Pinocchio-themed restaurant, and by this point, my sister was walking a fine line between being disappointed and fully pissed off at her failed attempts to see Mickey and his friends.

After dinner, we went back to Tommorowland, and ended up getting stuck on The Carousel of Progress. If you don't know what The Carousel of Progress is, I recommend watching this somewhat crappy quality video to familarize yourself:

As you can see, it's a pretty cool attraction, but it's also one that has the ability to make you want to kill yourself if you get stuck on it, like we did. We were watching the very last scene--the modern-day scene--when the announcement came over the loud speaker: "Please remain seated, as we are experiencing technical difficulties." The animatronic family wrapped up their little spiel about progress and started to sing about the great, big, beautiful tomorrow, as the room rotated to take us away to the end of the ride. But it didn't rotate. The family kept singing. We stayed still. The family finished the song. We still hadn't moved. The family started their spiel all over again, and we were forced to watch it a second time.

When we finally got off The Carousel of Progress, we went to ride Space Mountain for the second time, where we endured a sixty-minute wait. When it was finally our time to board, I noticed an eerie silence. The ride had suddenly gone quiet. I remarked to my sister, "Watch, I'll bet the ride broke down," and again, no sooner had I said it when the lights came on and the announcer said, "Attention, space travelers, due to technical difficulties, the ride has been temporarily delayed, which might add to your wait time." Again, I doubled over in laughter as my sister glared at me and said, "You just need to shut your trap. You keep jinxing us!" Luckily, we didn't have to wait too long before the ride was fully functioning again.

After our second foray into Tomorrowland, we made it back to Cinderella's castle just in time for the final performance of "Dream Along With Mickey"-- which ended up being cancelled because it started to rain again. At this point, my sister had given up all hope of seeing the "good" Disney characters, so we decided to do some souvenir shopping, get a treat at a bakery on Main Street and call it a day. Laura originally wanted to stay for the fireworks and light parade, but decided that with our luck, both would probably be cancelled because of the weather. And good ol' Disney World, not quite finished with screwing us over, put the icing on the frigging cake as we were driving out of the park--fireworks that illuminated the night sky while simultaneously flicking us off.

You know what though? With everything that happened, this was still one of the most fun trips to a theme park I've ever been on. Our luck was so ridiculously bad that we couldn't help but find it amusing, and by the time we left, my stomach was hurting from laughing so hard. And even though my sister labeled the trip a "Disney disappointment," I knew she had just as much fun as I did, characters or no characters.

Additional Amusements We Saw

1. I counted a total of six leash kids while at the park, three at the Dumbo ride alone. I'm not sure what it was about that particular ride that parents felt the need for extra restraint, but it was hilarious (and a little sad) to see those poor little tykes on leashes. Some parents were up front about the fact that they were leashing their kids and used the straight-to-the-point, no-frills wrist models:

Other parents, however, utilized harnesses shaped like animals (monkeys were a popular choice), as if the cutesy animal somehow made up for the fact they were leashing their kids. I hate to break it to you, but if it looks like a harness, functions like a harness and fits your child as snugly as a harness, it's a fucking harness, NOT Mikey the Monkey, your kid's jungle pal. And just for the record, a harness is only cute if it's on a puppy or small dog like this:

NOT on a human being, like this:

2. It's always funny to see a Disney cast member get aggravated yet try to restrain him- or herself because they have to maintain that cheerful, sunshine-out-of-my-ass Disney attitude. Laura and I witnessed this firsthand on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. We were on a boat with a group of teens from either Spain or South America--they were clearly not from this country, and this was made blatantly obvious when they didn't understand a word the man operating the ride was saying. It went a little something like this:

Flash (one of the teens took a picture)

Man Operating Ride: No flash photography!

Flash

Man Operating Ride: (getting a little frustrated) No flash photography!

Flash

Man Operating Ride: (visibly aggravated, yet trying to maintain his Disney composure) PIRATES, NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY!

3. My sister did end up seeing some pretty decent Disney characters, even if they weren't Mickey, Minnie or Cinderella:

Give a Day, Get a Free Disney Day

My sister decided to take advantage of Disney's "Give a Day, Get a Free Disney Day" promotion, and after much talk about how much fun we would have if we went to Disney World together, managed to convince me to sign up to volunteer. Laura got a gig doling out soup at a homeless shelter in Tallahassee; my activity was a lot less exciting.

I think I was one of the last people in the U.S. to sign up for this promotion, because as I scrolled through the list of volunteer opportunities, all the slots had been filled. There was nothing in Tampa or even in Hillsborough County, and the few opportunities that were still left that were even remotely close to where I live were snatched up in the amount of time it took for me to click on the "More Information" button. So, knowing that time was running out, I decided to just sign up for the next available opportunity, regardless of what it was. It turned out to be in Sarasota with a rescue dog group called Canine Castaways, so I signed up for it, thinking I would be playing with puppies all day. When I got my confirmation email, disappointment came a creepin' in--the activity I signed up for was to hold a sign outside of Petsmart notifying passersby that dogs were up for adoption. For three whole hours. On a Saturday. How incredibly mind-numbing. We also had to make our own signs.

Now, I'm not an arteest. I'm a fairly decent writer, and my photography skills are passable, but my ability to draw and paint never progressed past the second grade. So when I got home Friday night and got out all my sign-making supplies, I stood there for a minute or two wondering what the hell I should do.

Tools of the trade: Off-brand crayons, a white poster, and Dora the Explorer markers. Que bueno!

The Dora the Explorer markers even did double duty! Not only could you indulge in your creativity, you learned a little Spanish while doing it! Purple=morado!

Green=verde! Comprende? I sure did! My Spanish grew by leaps and bounds! Thanks, Dora!

I knew the first order of business was to come up with some sort of snazzy tagline, one that would maybe make people actually read my sign. Since I was pretty sure my first choice, Don't be a bitch! Adopt one instead! wouldn't go over well with Canine Castaways or Petsmart personnel, I ended up going with, Make a new best friend. Adopt a dog 2-day! (I ran out of room to spell out today and decided to use some of that IM short-hand the kids are so crazy about these days. LOL!) After about an hour of coloring, I ended up with the finished product:

Yes, sad to say, that took me an hour. Of course, I did stop periodically to send my sister silly picture messages documenting my progress. And, true to form, it looked like a second-grader created it. Actually, if you'll notice in the block lettering, I did use a technique employed by artistically-savvy second-graders everywhere: marker on the outside, crayon on the inside. Creative and classy!

Saturday was my volunteer day. Other than a little disorganization with the check-in process at the beginning, and a sunburn I ended up taking home with me, my sign-holding duties went off without a hitch. I'm glad I had the foresight to bring my iPod with me, though; holding a sign for three hours with nothing to keep me company but my thoughts and the sounds of cars and people going by would have driven me insane. But as boring a volunteer task as it was, it was for a good cause--sending rescue dogs to good homes--and I ended up with a free day at Disney World. Not bad for a three-hour stint.

Birthday and Halloween Fun Or That One Time I Got the Plague

For me, October has always been somewhat of a magical month. Growing up, I would be so excited when it finally rolled around: my parents would dust off their Halloween decorations, my friends and I would excitedly talk about and plan our costumes, the air would finally get a little cooler, and everything just seemed to have a little extra sparkle. Halloween was one of those holidays where it seemed like anything could happen, and I always looked forward to the fun and mischief it would bring. Add to that the fact that my birthday is on the 30th (where not just candy but candy and presents were a sure-fire guarantee) and you probably have some idea of just how excited I was.

As an adult, I still look forward to my birthday, Halloween and October in general, but each year it seems like a little more of that magic I felt as a kid gets lost amidst the forty-hour work weeks, bills and other adult responsibilities that take up more and more of my attention. So this year, I decided to do something about it and reclaim the magic. And what better place to do that than at the most magical place on Earth? That's right--I'm talkin' 'bout Walt friggin' Disney World.

The night I saw the commercial about getting free admission to Disney on one's birthday, I just about tripped over my own two feet to get to the computer and register. Since then, I'd been waiting for October 30, 2009 to roll around with child-like anticipation, and when it finally came, my friend Kathy met me at my apartment and we set off together for the Magic Kingdom. I had high expectations. I hadn't been to Disney since my parents took me when I was four, so I was expecting wonder and awe. I was expecting to be transported to a place where fantasies were a reality, where people pooped sparkles and upchucked rainbows because everything was just that magical and marvelous. And it did not disappoint. We saw Pluto, Pinocchio and the Disney Princesses, walked through Cinderella's castle, spun ourselves dizzy on the teacups, and toured the planet on It's a Small World. We had a map and we had a plan, and we weren't leaving until we soaked up as much Disney magic as 11a.m.-9p.m. would allow for. And then somewhere between Tomorrowland and one o' clock that afternoon, the body aches and overall sense of feeling assy hit me--hard. Kathy noticed it when we took a break to eat lunch and she noticed I only ate half of my vegetarian wrap.

"You're not hungry?" she asked.
"I'm not feeling too well, actually," I replied. I then told her about the aches and ended with my resolve to just be a soldier and power through--after all, we were at Disney, and I wasn't planning on wasting my free ticket or her paid-for ticket just because I was feeling less than stellar. I mean, who knows when I'd get to go again? She seemed fine with that, so after lunch we continued on our journey around the park and ended the evening by watching the night parade.

By the time the night parade was over and we started on the trek back to my car, I was pretty much done for--the body aches had intensified, leaving me feeling like an old woman with sore joints, and they were joined by a mild fever and a bit of congestion. All I wanted to do was get home and pass out in bed. Kathy agreed to drive us back, and as soon as we hit the parking lot, I was fantasizing about reclining the seat back as far as it would go and passing out. Unfortunately, my stomach must have been fantasizing about emptying its contents, because, without warning, I projectile vomited--and it was not rainbows. I felt an odd mixture of physical relief, mortification, awkwardness and awe. I was mortified because I was in a public place, and I knew of at least two people who were trying to leave who got a front-row view of the show; awkwardness because I just threw up for the first time in front of Kathy, which brought us to a whole new level in our friendship; and awe because of how much distance my stomach gravy cleared from my mouth to its final resting spot on the asphalt.

Poor Kathy, though. Other than her kids, she doesn't do well when people get sick, and I didn't get enough of a chance to warn her. At the first "throw up" sound I made she exclaimed, "Are you gonna get sick?!" and then scrambled off to find some napkins when I started heaving. At the end she was just about as breathless as I was when she asked, "Are you okay?" her eyes a mixture of fear and bewilderment. She was a sport, though, and a good friend--she tried to drive in the far right lane of the interstate as much as possible on the way back, just in case I had another episode.

Saturday--Halloween--was more of the same, just without the projectile vomiting. I spent the entire day watching TV and movies and trying to move my head and body as little as possible, and added pizza to the routine later on that night. Luckily, I didn't get any trick-or-treaters--if I had, I'm sure they would have run screaming the minute I opened the door.

So that was how my birthday and Halloween went down. I can't say the weekend was a total waste--that Disney night parade was pretty awesome.