Eight Things From 2011 I Am Soooooo Over

I thought I'd take a departure from the format instituted in last year's recap and do a different kind of year-in-review for 2011. While the past 12 months saw a lot of good happen in my life (getting a job in advertising and purchasing my first car), it seems like there was just as much stuff that irritated the crap out of me. So without further ado, I present...

Eight Things From 2011 I Am Soooooooo Over


1. "Firework" by Katy Perry



I hate this song. Like, really hate it. Like, really, really, really, really HATE. IT. Like, stick a fork in my eyeball, pull it out, saute my dislodged eyeball with mushrooms and peppers, wrap it all up in a tortilla and top it with sour cream, shredded cheese, salsa, and guacamole and eat it rather than listen to that fucking song one more time type of hate. Why do I hate it so much? Have you heard the lyrics? They sound like they were written by a seven year-old. "Boom Boom Boom/Even brighter than the moon moon moon." Seriously, what the fuck? Yet people inexplicably loved the shit out of this song and it was everywhere, from awards shows to Glee.

2. Taylor Swift




The first Taylor Swift song I ever heard was "Teardrops on my Guitar." I'll admit, I liked it, as well as some of her subsequent singles. But after listening to her 100,000,000,000th song about a boy, all I can do is roll my eyes. Get some more material, girl! Or write about grown-up relationships, because every single time I listen to one of your songs, I feel like I should be roaming the halls of Taylor County High School all over again. I'm 28. I'm over that high school shit.

3. The Duggars




When they first started getting media coverage, I was enthralled just like everybody else. Kids numbering in the double digits?! Holy shit! But now even their sweatshop-sized numbers aren't that interesting. I am SO TIRED of it being breaking news every time this woman pops out another kid. The television shows try to make it all mysterious and drop teasers left and right that say things like, "Michelle Duggar has big news! What could it be? We'll find out after the break!" but it's NOT mysterious! She's fucking pregnant! That's her deal! It's not like she's going to announce she found the cure for cancer or helped colonize life on Mars. She's with child. Again.

4. The Kardashians




Refresh my memory: why are these ladies famous? I'm waiting..............................................

Okay. Moving on.

5. American Idol




Why is this show still on? When it first debuted it was unique. Well, it was unique to those of us who didn't watch a lot of Star Search growing up. But now? The only original judge left is Randy, and from what I hear, all of them are too nice! The main thing that made American Idol worth watching was Simon Cowell's painfully honest comments that crushed wannabe contestants' hopes and dreams. Really cutting shit like, "You are the worst singer in the world" and condescendingly rhetorical questions such as, "Do you honestly think that was good?" If a contestant cries and it's not because they were told their tone-deaf performance caused babies to contemplate suicide, I'm not watching.

6. Two and a Half Men







One of the reasons Charlie Sheen's magnificently hot mess of a public breakdown thrilled me was the fact that it would be the demise of this horrible, unfunny show. But you know what? It's still alive! This show is like a cockroach in that no matter how many times you step on it, the little bastard just WILL. NOT. DIE. Come on, fellas. The half-man is pretty much grown. Unless you're planning on renaming it Three Full-Grown Men, please, for the love of God, end it.

7. Lindsay Lohan




All the girl did this year was bounce in and out of court. Can we please just file her in the, Please disappear already! section?

8. Awkward conversations


I don't know if the social networking sites out there are making us all socially weird, but it seems like I had a hell of a lot of awkward conversations with people this year. It's gotten to the point where I'm questioning if I'm the socially-awkward one, and that's an idea that fills me with fear. Call me crazy, but isn't a conversation supposed to go something like this?

Me: So what do you do?
Them: Me? Oh, I'm an archaeology professor.
Me: Oh, that's cool!
Them: Yeah, I really enjoy it. It's really nice when I get to get out of the classroom for some real hands-on learning, though.
Me: Oh really?
Them: Yeah. Like one time, I had to beat some Nazis to the supposed location of the Ark of the Covenant...
(continue on with banter about Nazis, the Ark of the Covenant, etc.)


It seems like a pretty cut-and-dry formula: I ask you a question. You answer it, and then ask me a question. I answer that, and then at some point we find some commonality and talk about it. You'd think it'd be easy. Instead, here's what I've had to deal with:

Me: So what do you do?
Them: I'm an archaeology professor.
Me: Oh, that's cool!
Them: Yeah. ::crickets::
Me: So...how did you get into archaeology?
Them: ::shrugs::
Me: Has it always interested you?
Them: Yeah ::crickets::
Me: ::goes off to kill self because that would be more entertaining than this conversation::


I hope 2012 sees me talking to more people who are well-versed in communicating with other humans face-to-face. I can't deal with another year of pulling teeth only to find out that the industry you work in is just, "okay."

So that's my list. I was originally planning to write about eleven things that bugged me in 2011, but it's 2:00a.m. (no matter what Blogger says!), I'm tired, and I can't think of any more right now and all I want to do is sleepy-sleep. So happy New Year everybody! Cherish and relish in the optimism you are feeling right now, because in a week, all that will disappear and you will be the same embittered person you were before midnight. Cheers!

Reflections as an Adult: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Merry Christmas! Like pretty much the rest of America, I am celebrating with my family, opening presents, eating a ridic Christmas din din, and watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. And upon watching this timeless holiday special as an adult, I have a few thoughts:

1. Peppermint Patty is sooooo a lesbian. I mean come on, homegirl wears basketball shorts and mandals, and she probably played on the Peanuts softball team. Let's call a spade a spade. 

Basketball shorts? Check. Mandals? Check. 

I'm pretty sure Marcie is also bi-curious. That explains her seemingly inexplicable friendship with Patty and the fact that she calls her "sir." Either that or she's hella confused. Either way, middle school and high school are going to be pivotal eras in her quest of self-discovery. Maybe college too. 

Was Peppermint Patty Marcie's first girlfriend? 

2. Lucy is a whore. She just has that vibe, right? I'll bet she sleeps with all the boys at Peanuts High School by the time she turns eighteen. She'll also be on a future episode of Teen Mom. 

 

You know how some girls just look whorish? Lucy has that look.

3. Pig Pen's future is going into a trade. He just doesn't look like he'd be an academic success. He looks more like a guy who'll work with his hands. After he graduates from Peanuts High School, he'll go to a trade school where he'll study welding. Not that that's a bad thing. Welders can make up to $62,000 a year! Hell, that's more than what I'm making with a college degree! So let's not hate on Pig Pen. Sure, he's a hot mess now, but he'll get the last laugh at the high school reunion when he's a baller and the only thing that whore Lucy will have to show for the past ten years are her seven children and a wicked case of herpes. 

I'm rich, biotch!

4. Schroeder is a tortured genius. The incredible range he gets out of that toy piano is just the beginning. He'll compose his first symphony at the age of thirteen, drop out of school and get privately tutored, and study at Julliard. He'll achieve so much success at such a young age that he won't be able to handle it so he'll turn to booze, pills, and sex until he just does himself in one night during a drug-crazed orgy at the age of 23. But the upside is his name will be counted among the likes of Beethoven and Mozart. 

Schroeder: too much too soon. 

5. Charlie Brown and Linus will co-found Peanuts' version of Apple. Not too bad for a blockhead and a kid past the age of four who carries a blanket around. They, along with Pig Pen, will pwn the rest of the Peanuts gang at the high school reunion and eventually take over the Peanuts universe. Suck on that, haters!

"We rule!"

6. Snoopy will live forever. Because he's awesome. And it wouldn't be Peanuts without that little bastard. 

New Examiner article

For today's adventure, I check out The Library Coffeehouse on south Dale Mabry. See the verdict here.

Spicin' It Up

Earlier today I was talking to Arleen about the awesome turnout religious-themed lectures and classes would get if they used catchier titles. Let's face it, "Worship, Sacraments, and Liturgy: Theology and Praxis" doesn't scream of thrills and chills. Utilizing one of my titles below, however, will not only add a little extra spice to the church bulletin or pamphlet, but it will guarantee maximum attendance and that each and every person will be MOTHERFUCKING STOKED AND READY TO LEARN.* If you're reading this and you're the parish priest at my church, YOU'RE WELCOME. And sorry for saying, "motherfucking."


Possible Lecture/Class Titles for Catholics (but this technique can be applied to any lecture or class, regardless of subject matter)


1. The Liturgy: What Up Wit Dat?


2. The Eucharist: Are We a Bunch of Cannibals? (Bonus: you can incorporate the Zombie Jesus meme that's popular with the young kids these days, thus increasing your target audience. I know, I know--I'm a genius!)


3. Say Whaaaaa? All About Confession


4. Saints: Yeah, They're Pretty Cool


5. 19 Kids and Counting: Psych!!!! (This one's about Natural Family Planning.)


6. Who's Your Daddy? All About the Priesthood


7. Sister Act: The Truth About Nuns


8. A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi: An Ecumenical Discussion




 And why we're on the topic of spicing things up, can there be a rule or something requiring every church choir to sing the Sister Act version of Salve Regina? Do you know how disappointed I get when I hear a choir start to sing that song, ONLY TO REALIZE THEY'RE SINGING IT THE OLD, BORING WAY? I WANT THE CLAPPING, DAMMIT! 





*I can't guarantee jack. Sorry. 

Paranormal Activity Wednesday

Confession time, you guys: sometimes when I hear a weird noise or creak in my apartment, I automatically think it's a ghost. Most of the time, this attribution is my attempt at trying to inject a little excitement into my life rather than an actual belief that a spirit decided to shack up. But on Wednesday night, karma decided to screw with me, and I honestly thought I was going to have a starring role in Paranormal Activity 4: You Wanted a Ghost, Now You've Got It! Good Luck Surviving, Dumbass. 


I was sitting on my couch reading a book, when I heard the noise at my back door. It sounded like a light scratching noise, followed by a shuffling sound. Before I had a dog, I would always chalk up the supposed "weird" noises I heard to either figments of my over-active imagination, or to just ordinary building noises. But having a dog that alerts on everything is kind of a good confirmation of your sanity. If I hear a noise and Ava doesn't do anything, then it's just a figment of my imagination. If I hear a noise and Ava alerts, then I know the sound is real and I'm not a crazy lady who hears imaginary things. And judging from the fact that she was growling and sniffing like she was trying to peel the paint off the door after I heard the noise, I was confident that it was real. And of course, it had to be a ghost. Because that's logical.

I tried to ignore it and continued to read my book. Then I heard it again, and Ava started growling. For a brief moment, I thought that maybe the noise was a sign from God that I should stop reading my book (it's the one written by Father Alberto Cutie), and I briefly felt guilty. Then I got over it and figured that if God really wanted me to stop reading the book, He would strike me with lightning or set the book on fire, all burning bush-style. So I went back to my ghost theory, and again tried to ignore the noise. I figured if I didn't give the ghost any attention, it would get bored and leave.

I heard the noise again. This time, I decided to peek out the window to see who--or what-- was out there. In a horror movie, this behavior would probably put me on the fast-track to a vicious gutting and dismemberment by an inbred, toothless hillbilly who complements me on the quality of my bones while doing the job. But since this was not a horror film, I was confident that wouldn't happen despite the fact that the noise was probably a ghost or a demon waiting for the chance to the invade my body, all Exorcist-like.So, armed with nothing more than the weird, misplaced confidence that I wouldn't get murdered, I walked over to the window, peeked through the blinds--

--and nothing. There was nothing to see. Now I was absolutely positive it was a ghost or demon spawn. Again, I picked up my book and tried to ignore it. I heard it again. My heart pounded with alarm. I heard it again. I grew defiant, determined to kick some supernatural ass. How dare ghosts and demons fuck around with my otherwise pleasant Wednesday night?! I'll show them! I heard it again, and this time, it was louder, really scratching against my door. Determined to put an end to the shenanigans, I walked over to the door, threw it open, and confronted my "ghost:" a coupon door hanger. I had taken the one off my front door, but didn't even think to check the back. It was a windy night, so the wind was blowing the hanger, which caused the scratching and shuffling sounds against the door. And the last noise I heard, the loud one, was the sound of the door hanger falling off.

Had this been a horror film, my opening the door would definitely have seen me get shot in the face or choked out by a psychotic zombie clown or something. But since it was real life, I meekly picked up the door hanger and went back to reading my book, glad that my ordinary Wednesday night saw at least a few minutes of excitement. Even if it was all in my head.

Birfday Shennanigans

My birthday was officially yesterday, but my girlfriends and I celebrated on the 29th. For this year's festivities, I thought it would be fun if we got to experience a bit of fine dining, so I decided to do a girls night at the dessert room at Bern's Steakhouse. (Note: We did not actually have dinner at Bern's as that would have cost us our first-born children. To save money, we did dinner on our own individually and splurged at the dessert room.)

We had a blast. I have been blessed with such an amazing group of girlfriends (including the out-of-state ones who were there in spirit), and I wouldn't have greeted 28 any other way. I could do a write-up on what all went down, but Arleen beat me to it, and perfectly captured just how fun it was. Chickety-check it out here.

Alright, 28! Let's do this.

Oh yeah--happy Halloween!

Why the Rapta Didn't Happen

I forgot to carry a 1. It'll actually happen on April 24th, 2035. My bad, y'all.