Books I Read: Fifty Shades of Grey (pt. 1)

Well, hello there. It's been awhile. How have you been? Me? Oh, the usual. Work has been super busy lately and I've been go-go-go for the past few weeks, so it's been hard to--

You know what? Let's cut through the bullshit. I've been busy. I've been neglecting this blog. But right now I'm on page 146 of Fifty Shades of Grey and I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. My original plan was to be normal and write a review after I finished the book, but I have so many thoughts, there is no way they can be confined to just one post. So many thoughts, guys. They need to roam free. Like the exotic wildebeest in Africa. Or wherever exotic wildebeest live. 

First up, the writing is an absolute train wreck (except this train has a lot of sex and awkward sentence structuring), but like any train wreck worth its salt, I can't look away. It's hard not to get sucked into this story. Of course, while I'm reading, my brain is on overdrive, making snarky comments along the way, like a psychotic, but not as funny, episode of Mystery Science Theater: 3000. So instead of writing one review, I'll be writing several reviews as I read the book. And by "reviews," I mean a bunch of random thoughts I hastily wrote down in my journal with complete disregard to grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. Just like the book itself. Bazinga. I'll mention now that if you are currently reading, plan to read, or are thinking to yourself, "Hmm, maybe I'll take a gander one of these days" you might want to skip this series, because spoilers will abound. But if you don't give a shit and need something to read to lull you off to sleep, keep on going, Soldier. And now, my thoughts on the book thus far:

-Ana randomly gives out nicknames and starts referencing things with no introduction whatsoever. Like when she starts referring to Christian as Bluebeard out of fucking nowhere. I don't know much about pirates. I went to public school in Perry, and we skipped that chapter in World History class. And, thanks to living in Tampa, pirates are now synonymous in my mind with this:

But from what I do know about pirates, Christian in no way, shape, or form resembles a pirate. He makes his money honestly, and doesn't rape or pillage any person or thing, at least not at this point.  And if Ana means it metaphorically, as in he raped and pillaged her virginity or something, then she is a stupid moron because that was clearly consensual, and everybody knows that in order to rape and/or pillage, you must do it by force, and usually without consent. Doi. 

She also goes from referring to her subconscious as her subconscious to talking about her Inner Goddess with no warning. I'm sorry, but what the hell is an Inner Goddess? Is it her subconscious? Her mind? Did she get possessed by the Devil and we don't know about it? Is this going to turn into The Exorcist? But, like, a sexy and fucked-up version of The Exorcist? 

Would you hit that?

Also, how messed up would Christian have to be to still have sex with Ana while she was in fully-possessed mode? The mind boggles.

-The entire thing is told from Ana's point of view, in the first person. This isn't weird in and of itself, but I did scratch my head when she started referring to Christian's mother as Dr. Trevelyan-Grey without Christian ever telling her that she's a doctor! So, in addition to being possessed, Ana just now magically knows things? Is that the Devil's black magic? 

-There are a couple of lines that made me seriously LOL, and I don't think they were meant to be funny. From page 135:

"I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I'm very attached to this."

Christian says this when he and Ana are taking a bath together. He's talking about his penis. While he's holding it. And I'm sorry, but there's no nickname you can give to a man's penis that isn't funny. Mr. Winky. Big Daddy. Lil' C (Short for "Little Christian." It's urban, y'all!). Sausage Stick. See what I mean? I dare you to come up with a penis nickname that's sexy. Dare you.

The second line that made me LOL was from pages 135-136:

"It's so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips."

I just automatically imagine an enemy submarine surfacing causing people in a far-off battleship watching through binoculars to go ape-shit and run amok along the decks. Or maybe a whale in full breach.

-Speaking of the tub, let's talk about that blowjob scene. I'm trying to work out the logistics of that one. From what I can gather, they are both sitting down. There is enough water to cover their genitals. So how in holy hell does Ana manage to give Christian a blowjob without a) drowning b) getting a mouthful of yucky tub water flavored with bath oil or c) both? I just can't wrap my mind around it. I mean, is his dick really that big?

Come on, let's be real.

Or maybe it really does just boil down to this:

Anybody else read the book? Thoughts? If you've read past page 146, you better not post any spoilers or I will find where you live, come in the night, and put this right next to you while you're sleeping so it'll be the first thing you will see when you wake up. I AM SERIOUS. I CAN BE ONE CRAZY, RANDOM BITCH. 

Paranormal Activity Wednesday

Confession time, you guys: sometimes when I hear a weird noise or creak in my apartment, I automatically think it's a ghost. Most of the time, this attribution is my attempt at trying to inject a little excitement into my life rather than an actual belief that a spirit decided to shack up. But on Wednesday night, karma decided to screw with me, and I honestly thought I was going to have a starring role in Paranormal Activity 4: You Wanted a Ghost, Now You've Got It! Good Luck Surviving, Dumbass. 


I was sitting on my couch reading a book, when I heard the noise at my back door. It sounded like a light scratching noise, followed by a shuffling sound. Before I had a dog, I would always chalk up the supposed "weird" noises I heard to either figments of my over-active imagination, or to just ordinary building noises. But having a dog that alerts on everything is kind of a good confirmation of your sanity. If I hear a noise and Ava doesn't do anything, then it's just a figment of my imagination. If I hear a noise and Ava alerts, then I know the sound is real and I'm not a crazy lady who hears imaginary things. And judging from the fact that she was growling and sniffing like she was trying to peel the paint off the door after I heard the noise, I was confident that it was real. And of course, it had to be a ghost. Because that's logical.

I tried to ignore it and continued to read my book. Then I heard it again, and Ava started growling. For a brief moment, I thought that maybe the noise was a sign from God that I should stop reading my book (it's the one written by Father Alberto Cutie), and I briefly felt guilty. Then I got over it and figured that if God really wanted me to stop reading the book, He would strike me with lightning or set the book on fire, all burning bush-style. So I went back to my ghost theory, and again tried to ignore the noise. I figured if I didn't give the ghost any attention, it would get bored and leave.

I heard the noise again. This time, I decided to peek out the window to see who--or what-- was out there. In a horror movie, this behavior would probably put me on the fast-track to a vicious gutting and dismemberment by an inbred, toothless hillbilly who complements me on the quality of my bones while doing the job. But since this was not a horror film, I was confident that wouldn't happen despite the fact that the noise was probably a ghost or a demon waiting for the chance to the invade my body, all Exorcist-like.So, armed with nothing more than the weird, misplaced confidence that I wouldn't get murdered, I walked over to the window, peeked through the blinds--

--and nothing. There was nothing to see. Now I was absolutely positive it was a ghost or demon spawn. Again, I picked up my book and tried to ignore it. I heard it again. My heart pounded with alarm. I heard it again. I grew defiant, determined to kick some supernatural ass. How dare ghosts and demons fuck around with my otherwise pleasant Wednesday night?! I'll show them! I heard it again, and this time, it was louder, really scratching against my door. Determined to put an end to the shenanigans, I walked over to the door, threw it open, and confronted my "ghost:" a coupon door hanger. I had taken the one off my front door, but didn't even think to check the back. It was a windy night, so the wind was blowing the hanger, which caused the scratching and shuffling sounds against the door. And the last noise I heard, the loud one, was the sound of the door hanger falling off.

Had this been a horror film, my opening the door would definitely have seen me get shot in the face or choked out by a psychotic zombie clown or something. But since it was real life, I meekly picked up the door hanger and went back to reading my book, glad that my ordinary Wednesday night saw at least a few minutes of excitement. Even if it was all in my head.