Books I Read: Fifty Shades of Grey (pt. 3)

I had big plans for Memorial Day. Well, if I'm being honest, they weren't exactly big plans, but they were plans to get me out of the apartment and out and about for a few hours. Window shopping. Browsing Barnes & Noble. Walking around Hyde Park Village. But around mid-morning, I decided to do "a bit of reading," and before I knew it, it was four o'clock and I had finished Fifty Shades. Oh well. 

In case you are just joining us, I have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and blogging my thoughts along the way. The original idea was to do a regular review after I finished the book, but it turned out to be so spectacularly bad (in the best possible way) that I couldn't save all my snarky comments for one post. If you are currently reading, or are planning to read, this book, then I will warn you--there are spoilers. So stay away if you don't want to know what happens. This series is probably also not very safe for work, as past posts have  discussed butt plugs and claiming one's ass, and those might set off alarms in HR if your computer is monitored. If you don't care about any of the aforementioned items, however, then grab a cup of coffee and stick around (and catch up on parts 1 and 2 if you haven't done so already).  

Alright, ready? Here we go. When we last left off, Ana verbally agreed to Christian's contract, but still couldn't quite bring herself to sign on the dotted line. So in order to get some space and think things over, she goes to Georgia to visit her mom. Of course, for the entire first part of her trip she's constantly emailing and texting Christian, so her plan to "get away" is pretty much going down the crapper. Then Christian shows up at the hotel in which Ana and her mom are having drinks (because that's not creepy), and Ana decides to go up to his room to try to talk to him about she's feeling in regards to their situation. They just end up having lots of sex and conversations that go nowhere, but she inexplicably thinks they make some sort of breakthrough. Upon getting back to Seattle, she and Christian have more sex, where she gets brave and asks Christian to show her how bad the punishment portion of his lifestyle can get. After beating her with a belt, Ana is all, "Hells naw, you're fucked up, son" (which is what she knew all along--even Christian told her that) and leaves him. Fin. 

Okay, now let's start the trash-talking!

-It takes Ana until page 413 to Google stalk Christian. My question is, why hasn't she done it sooner? Most women I know know a potential boyfriend's hometown, religious views, favorite TV shows, and whether or not he has a rap sheet before the first date. Sure that's crazy, but we do it in the name of safety because these days, dating is a shit-show and you need to know just how bad the shit's gonna stink before you sink your feet into it. Or something. Guys, that's a really awful metaphor. Even while I was typing it, my brain was all, "What the fuck?" Sorry about that. My point is, Christian tells her about his effed-up lifestyle and the type of person he is right off the bat, and he doesn't give up much more than that. My fingers would be bleeding by the time I finished with Google. 

-For all her awkwardness and naivety, Ana manages to get lots of sex out of Christian without signing anything. She never signs the contract, but still manages to finagle the closest thing to a relationship out of Christian, which is more than what women who have signed the contract get. So I have to give her props there. 

-I got tired of Ana always thinking, Oh my. I actually found it down right creepy, because in my head it sounded George Takei. Let me tell you, nothing puts a damper faster on a hot sex scene than George Takei. 

-Ana has some of dumbest thoughts. Cases in point: on p. 464, Christian backs out of having dinner with Ana's family because he has to go back to Seattle to handle a "situation." Ana's response?

"Oh no. The last 'situation' he had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it's nothing like that." 

In another scene, Christian has Ana naked, her wrists and ankles chained to the bed in his playroom. She is blindfolded, and she has on headphones, and Christian informs her that music will be playing so she won't be able to see or hear him. He promises her an intense experience, and her response?

"[Regarding the music] Jeez, I hope it's not rap." (p. 487)

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, ANA?! How can you have such banal thoughts? Now I've thought about some stupid shit (like what if barking like a dog were a language you could learn?) but I would hope that if I found myself in a situation similar to the latter one mentioned above, I would be preoccupied with more than just what type of music I'd be hearing. It's like Ana just misses the point. The very obvious point. All the time.

As much as I love making fun of this book, the joke is on me. I still got sucked in, hook, line, and sinker. I'm not sure why, as poorly-written books normally drive me crazy and I can't finish them. Maybe it was the sex. Maybe it was the effed-up love story. Maybe, on some deep, subconscious level, this book spoke to me.

Nah. It was totally the sex. Made wading through everything else totally worth it. And bonus--no scenes with butt plugs! 

Books I Read: Fifty Shades of Grey (pt. 2)

Hello, and welcome back. For those of you who are new here, I am currently reading Fifty Shades of Grey and blogging my thoughts along the way. I am on page 284. Just a heads up, there will be spoilers, so if you are reading it, or plan to read it, you might want to skip this series. But if you don't give a crap, then by all means, stay! (If you haven't already, check out part one here.) I should also warn you that these posts are probably not safe for work unless your boss is 1) hella cool or 2) you work from home. Now that all that booshizz is out of the way, let's begin.

To recap: Our heroine(ish), Ana, meets wealthy entrepreneur Christian Grey when she's forced to interview him for her college's student newspaper. Despite the fact that she's awkward and flustered around him to the point of retardation, Christian still finds her attractive, and deflowers her. Then he does it again. And again. And again. They have a lot of sex, alright? Then Christian throws a kink (see what I did there?) into things by admitting he's into the BDSM lifestyle (Google it if you don't know) and wants Ana to sign a contract, agreeing to be his submissive. In the midst of all this, she meets his mom, graduates from college, and gets ready to move to Seattle. Christian tries to sweeten the pot by buying her an expensive car as well as a top-of-the-line MacBook Pro, (which totally works because Ana doesn't have a whole lot of self-esteem) and she agrees to the contract.

-Ana doesn't own a computer, so Christian lends her one. It's 2011, and she just graduated college. How did she survive all four years using only the computers at school and debo-ing her roommate's from time to time? It would be virtually impossible to do all of her schoolwork without owning a computer. What about time limits? What if it's busy and a computer isn't available? What if she's doing a project on society's relationship with porn and the sites she needs are blocked? I think that if she can afford to go to college, she can afford a computer on which to pound out a few papers.

-This line made me LOL:

"God, I'd like to give you a good hiding. You'd feel a lot better, and so would I...a man can dream, Anastasia." (pp 198-199)

Maybe this is just me, but I think the things a man says can either add to or take away from his attractiveness. If I were to meet a guy who was successful, ambitious, good-looking, and confident, and then he turned around and said he wanted to spank me, I think that might take his attractiveness level down a few notches, especially when you consider what he could have said instead:

-You're beautiful.
-I'd like to take you to Paris.
-I love being around you.
-I'm sad when I'm not around you.
-I think about you a lot, and that's not including the times I picture you naked.
-J. Lo ain't got nothin' on you.
-I want you to be the mother of my children.
-You make me into a better person.

The list could go on. But noooo, Christian tells Ana he wants to "give her a good hiding" and she still swoons. The hell?

-Ana never eats. Like, ever. She always loses her appetite when she's around Christian, and it drives me crazy. Christian is rich, so you know homeslice can afford some amazing gourmet food. She really should make the most of it, because when their relationship ends (and you know it will), the only guys she'll have to choose from are poor college graduates like herself whose idea of a fancy meal is the dinner special at Olive Garden.

-Another line that made me LOL:

"I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia." (p. 256)

I hope I'm never in a situation where the man I'm with says he'd like to "claim my ass," but if I do find myself there, I'd probably laugh and ask for which country he'd like to claim it before kicking him out (or leaving if we're in public or at his place). I mean, who says that? This is on the same level as the "I'd like to give you a good hiding" comment, and again, instead of running for the hills like any other normal woman, Ana stays and swoons.

Speaking of asses...

-I've finally figured out what butt plugs are used for. Not that that's been a burning desire of mine or anything. It's not like I stay awake at night saying to myself, "Gee golly, I really wish I knew what butt plugs are used for." It's just one of those terms you hear at some point in life and idly wonder what it's about. You never actually research it, though, for fear of what you might see. But the universe must have looked favorably on me (Perhaps it's because of the bird rescue yesterday?) because my idle wondering has been satisfied. Thanks, Fifty Shades of Grey!

...Aaaand that's where I'm at with the book. I kind of dread the scenes where butt plugs are used. That just doesn't sound sexy or pleasant. 

Books I Read: Fifty Shades of Grey (pt. 1)

Well, hello there. It's been awhile. How have you been? Me? Oh, the usual. Work has been super busy lately and I've been go-go-go for the past few weeks, so it's been hard to--

You know what? Let's cut through the bullshit. I've been busy. I've been neglecting this blog. But right now I'm on page 146 of Fifty Shades of Grey and I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. My original plan was to be normal and write a review after I finished the book, but I have so many thoughts, there is no way they can be confined to just one post. So many thoughts, guys. They need to roam free. Like the exotic wildebeest in Africa. Or wherever exotic wildebeest live. 

First up, the writing is an absolute train wreck (except this train has a lot of sex and awkward sentence structuring), but like any train wreck worth its salt, I can't look away. It's hard not to get sucked into this story. Of course, while I'm reading, my brain is on overdrive, making snarky comments along the way, like a psychotic, but not as funny, episode of Mystery Science Theater: 3000. So instead of writing one review, I'll be writing several reviews as I read the book. And by "reviews," I mean a bunch of random thoughts I hastily wrote down in my journal with complete disregard to grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. Just like the book itself. Bazinga. I'll mention now that if you are currently reading, plan to read, or are thinking to yourself, "Hmm, maybe I'll take a gander one of these days" you might want to skip this series, because spoilers will abound. But if you don't give a shit and need something to read to lull you off to sleep, keep on going, Soldier. And now, my thoughts on the book thus far:

-Ana randomly gives out nicknames and starts referencing things with no introduction whatsoever. Like when she starts referring to Christian as Bluebeard out of fucking nowhere. I don't know much about pirates. I went to public school in Perry, and we skipped that chapter in World History class. And, thanks to living in Tampa, pirates are now synonymous in my mind with this:

But from what I do know about pirates, Christian in no way, shape, or form resembles a pirate. He makes his money honestly, and doesn't rape or pillage any person or thing, at least not at this point.  And if Ana means it metaphorically, as in he raped and pillaged her virginity or something, then she is a stupid moron because that was clearly consensual, and everybody knows that in order to rape and/or pillage, you must do it by force, and usually without consent. Doi. 

She also goes from referring to her subconscious as her subconscious to talking about her Inner Goddess with no warning. I'm sorry, but what the hell is an Inner Goddess? Is it her subconscious? Her mind? Did she get possessed by the Devil and we don't know about it? Is this going to turn into The Exorcist? But, like, a sexy and fucked-up version of The Exorcist? 

Would you hit that?

Also, how messed up would Christian have to be to still have sex with Ana while she was in fully-possessed mode? The mind boggles.

-The entire thing is told from Ana's point of view, in the first person. This isn't weird in and of itself, but I did scratch my head when she started referring to Christian's mother as Dr. Trevelyan-Grey without Christian ever telling her that she's a doctor! So, in addition to being possessed, Ana just now magically knows things? Is that the Devil's black magic? 

-There are a couple of lines that made me seriously LOL, and I don't think they were meant to be funny. From page 135:

"I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I'm very attached to this."

Christian says this when he and Ana are taking a bath together. He's talking about his penis. While he's holding it. And I'm sorry, but there's no nickname you can give to a man's penis that isn't funny. Mr. Winky. Big Daddy. Lil' C (Short for "Little Christian." It's urban, y'all!). Sausage Stick. See what I mean? I dare you to come up with a penis nickname that's sexy. Dare you.

The second line that made me LOL was from pages 135-136:

"It's so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips."

I just automatically imagine an enemy submarine surfacing causing people in a far-off battleship watching through binoculars to go ape-shit and run amok along the decks. Or maybe a whale in full breach.

-Speaking of the tub, let's talk about that blowjob scene. I'm trying to work out the logistics of that one. From what I can gather, they are both sitting down. There is enough water to cover their genitals. So how in holy hell does Ana manage to give Christian a blowjob without a) drowning b) getting a mouthful of yucky tub water flavored with bath oil or c) both? I just can't wrap my mind around it. I mean, is his dick really that big?

Come on, let's be real.

Or maybe it really does just boil down to this:

Anybody else read the book? Thoughts? If you've read past page 146, you better not post any spoilers or I will find where you live, come in the night, and put this right next to you while you're sleeping so it'll be the first thing you will see when you wake up. I AM SERIOUS. I CAN BE ONE CRAZY, RANDOM BITCH. 

New Examiner Article!

What up, kidz. Got a new Examiner article out. Today, I visited Baristas, a coffee shop with a little somethin' extra special. What makes it extra special? Read here to find out!

New Examiner Article is Up!

After two previously failed attempts, I FINALLY managed to get another Examiner review up. You can checkity-check it out here. Also, please share with anyone who might be interested. Kthxbye.

Bay Area Eats: EATS! American Grill

Last weekend, my parents were in town, and for Sunday lunch, I decided to try something new and take them to a restaurant we all hadn't tried yet: EATS! American Grill. After reading favorable blog reviews as well as praising Yelp! reviews, I'd been wanting to check the place out for some time. I wasn't disappointed (my parents loved it as well!).

We started off with the complimentary basket of Saratoga Potato Chips and dipping sauce and an order of fried pickles ($4.99). The pickles were piping hot (a sign that they were made fresh!), and the chips and dipping sauce were just a perfect complement. I don't know exactly what the dipping sauce was comprised of, but it was very similar to the sauce that comes with Outback's Bloomin' Onion.

Perusing through the menu's variety of Americana fare, we settled on the Bin on Weck ($8.99--Pops' choice), the French Dip ($8.99--Mom's choice), and the Midwestern BLT ($8.79--my choice). That BLT was probably the best I've ever had. EATS! turned the simple sandwich on its head by making it with fried green tomatoes, peppered bacon, lettuce, its "Signature Spicy Sauce," and slapping the whole thing between two pieces of Texas Toast. I had the choice between the regular Spicy Sauce and "full heat," and opted for the regular (I don't like terribly spicy foods). The regular sauce added just enough of a kick that I could appreciate without draining my water glass. Its flavors also enhanced the fried green tomatoes and peppered bacon really well.

My parents' sandwiches looked equally as delicious. I can't really describe what they tasted like, as they weren't my sandwiches (obvs), so descriptions from the menu (and your own imaginations) will have to suffice:

 Bin on Weck (Beef on Weck):

Buffalo's other claim to fame. Brought to us by Michael Wuliger of Bin 27, this famous sandwich is thinly sliced roast beef served on a kummelweck roll and topped with our own Horsey Sauce. Au Jus served on the side. 

French Dip:

Born in 1918 in Los Angeles, CA. This classic is roast beef cooked and seasoned to perfection, topped with Swiss cheese and served with a side of Au Jus for dipping. 

Yummy. If the clean plates were any indication, I'd say they were received enthusiastically.

EATS! lives up to its reputation as being a great go-to for American food. The staff is friendly and the atmosphere is casual (plenty of TVs for watching the big game and a full bar for those who want something a little stronger with their food), and you will feel right at home. It's definitely a place I plan on visiting again; I've got my sights set on its fried Oreo sundae!

EATS! American Grill
4502 S. Dale Mabry Hwy.
Tampa, FL 33611
813-835-3287

Hours:
Mon-Sun 11a.m.-10p.m.

New Examiner article

For today's adventure, I check out The Library Coffeehouse on south Dale Mabry. See the verdict here.

Bay Area Eats: Burger 21

Ever since Burger 21 in Westchase opened, I've been hearing rave reviews. Creative Loafing Magazine even proclaimed it, "The best burger in Tampa Bay." I love a good burger, so last week my friend Kathy and I made a visit to see if it lived up to the hype. My opinion: not so much.

First of all, the menu is a la carte, which means you pay for everything separately, which means you could end up shelling out a small fortune depending on which burger you select. I ordered the Black & Bleu burger and the Chocolate Cherry Bomb shake and that alone cost me $12.62. The burger was okay, but nothing to write home about. For such an original combination of ingredients (applewood-smoked bacon, bleu cheese spread, and  "award-winning" Gorgonzola crumbles) it didn't pack much flavor. As for the shake, well, you can get a better one at Steak n' Shake. I found the Chocolate Cherry Bomb to be incredibly bland. For twelve bucks, I expected more.

My opinion is to skip over Burger 21 and go to either Square 1 or Five Guys if you're looking for a good, quality hamburger. They have a better value for their prices, and they automatically include fries with your order, just as it should be.

Bay Area Eats: The Brunchery

On Saturday, I met Ali for brunch at the appropriately-named Brunchery. I had been there once before and really enjoyed it. The restaurant's decor, food and general atmosphere reek of going to grandma's house. It's comforting, and the food can go toe-to-toe with Denny's or Perkins in both taste and pricing (actually, it might even be cheaper!) any day. However, Saturday's visit left a bad taste in my mouth (pun intended).

It wasn't what I ordered. The Bayshore Benedict was a tasty variation on the classic eggs benedict, with a croissant, scrambled eggs, bacon, tomatoes, and hollandaise sauce ($8.59). It wasn't the service; our waiter was incredibly polite and speedy with getting us our food and refilling our coffee cups. The trouble came when I went to check out.

Earlier this year, I purchased a $16 Groupon for The Brunchery. After that amount was deducted from our bill, the damage was only $5.78. I told Ali I'd take care of the meal, and she agreed to take care of the tip. When I gave the cashier my debit card, he said he couldn't take debit because they only run cards on amounts of $10 or more. I didn't have any cash on me, so what I ended up having to do was purchase a gift card for $10.78 and use that to pay for the rest of the bill. In short, I had to pay five dollars more than what I should have had to pay.

It's not the amount that pisses me off. $10.78 is still a pretty good deal for two coffees and two entrees. It's the principle of the matter. Even though it's no longer illegal for stores to refuse small credit card charges, I think it's a little ridiculous to penalize consumers for opting to use cards. I rarely carry cash on me simply because paying with a card is quicker and easier and I get rewards points every time I use my debit or credit card. I shouldn't have to over-pay just because my purchase falls under a certain dollar amount.

C'est la vie, I guess. But I don't think I will be going back to The Brunchery. Problem is, I still have a $5 gift card. So I thought I'd have a little giveaway. If anybody out there wants the gift card, be the first person to leave a comment on this post. It doesn't even have to be about the post. You can comment about how you're looking forward to the new season of Mike & Molly for all I care. ('Cause I sure am!) In all fairness, the food is pretty great. Just be sure to pay in cash if your bill is less than $10.

* * *
This gift card is only good for The Brunchery located off MacDill Ave. in Tampa. If you're out of state, you're out of luck. Sorry. Unless you are planning on visiting or something.  

Just so you know I'm not lying.

Five dolla, mo fos!

I'm Seeing Red (Riding Hood, That is)!

WARNING: If you want to see this movie, please don't read this review. It contains spoilers that will ruin the viewing experience for you, sending you either into crushing disappointment or blinding rage that will undoubtedly prove detrimental to your relationships with others, leaving you alone and abandoned and causing you to question your life's choices. Also, I don't want to be bombarded with comments that say, "Wahhh wahhh wahhh, you just ruined this movie for me! I haven't slept for two weeks because I can't think about anything else except seeing Red Riding Hood! Oh, cruel world, what will I write about in my diary now?!" Don't say I didn't warn you.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, I will commence in my review of Red Riding Hood. First of all, lemme just say that there are slim pickins if you want to see a movie in the theaters right now (barring The King's Speech, but I've already seen that). Your choices are pretty much limited to Liam Neeson, Matthew McConaughey, Hall Pass, Red Riding Hood, or whatever is the "it" children's-computer-animated-3D-holy-shit cartoon movie. But my friend Kathy and I really wanted to go to CineBistro since it's the holy grail of movie theaters (full liquor bar, y'all!), and the only two movies that looked remotely interesting were Hall Pass and Red Riding Hood. We went with Red Riding Hood.

If you recall, the red riding hood fairytale goes a little something like this: Girl takes food to sick grandmother. On the way, girl encounters wolf and tells it that she is going to her grandmother's house. Wolf beats her there, swallows grandmother, and then swallows girl when girl arrives. Hunter then comes, rescues girl and grandmother. They fill wolf's stomach with stones and wolf drowns. The movie, on the other hand, is more like a dookie pie in a crust of festering sores and scabs and topped with the tears of children and the haunted cries of anguished animals, the only resemblance to the fairytale being that it involves Red Riding Hood (also known as Valerie), a wolf and a grandmother.

After an unnecessary and slightly unsettling opening scene involving young Valerie (literally, Little Red Riding hood! Get it?!) and her boy friend (but not boyfriend--yet) about to kill a rabbit they catch in the woods, we come to the village of Daggerhorn, where a werewolf has just killed Valerie's half-sister.

"OMG!"

The men of the village, after two generations of being terrorized by the werewolf, finally decide they ain't having none o' that, get sloppy drunk, and decide to go kill it. Among the search party is the man Valerie wants to marry (who is also the boy who helps her kill Thumper in the opening scene):

"I love you! I will avenge your half-sister's death!"

and the man Valerie has to marry:

"Even though you'd rather be sacrificed to the wolf than marry me, I'm still going to risk my life for you because I'm desperate and have no self-esteem...too soon for the wolf reference? I'm sorry...it's things like that, isn't it?"

Meanwhile, the ineffective village priest decides to call in another priest and pawn the werewolf problem off on him. The visiting priest's town used to be terrorized by a werewolf until the priest killed it and found out it was his wife. This one prior experience apparently makes him an expert.

"I showed that bitch!"

When the men of the village return with the head of a wolf who they think is the one that has been terrorizing them, the visiting priest pretty much says, "That ain't it" and then proceeds to divulge his own experience as well as some tips he picked up about werewolves along the way. It's a pretty harrowing speech, and after his final warning of, "Trust me, that ain't it," the villagers choose to ignore him and celebrate anyway.

"Eff you! You don't know!"

During the course of the celebration, Valerie seeks out the man she wants to marry (also known as Peter) and they decide to go off and have sex in a barn or somewhere, but are interrupted by hellions or something. When Valerie returns to the celebration, we see her full-fledged whoreness when one of her friends asks her where she's been and she pretty much tells her she's been off having sex in a barn or somewhere with Peter instead of what actually happened. Girlfriend should know that's not classy and just makes her look like a ho.

"Guess who just got some?!"

It is at this point that the werewolf appears and decides to do some more terrorizin'. It corners Valerie, and instead of killing her, decides to carry on a conversation. Hey, no judgement here. Conversation is a lost art, so if the werewolf wants to bone up on his skillz, who are we to stop him?

"Told you!"

After the bloodbath, the visiting priest just starts grasping at straws and accuses anyone who looks at him sideways of being the werewolf, proving that he's just as ineffective as the village priest, and kind of an asshole. He is not above trying to place blame on the village's mentally-challenged citizen, Claude, citing that Claude's child-like wonder and amusement with card tricks is a perfectly good reason for him to be a werewolf.

"Trust me, card tricks are not something normal people fuck around with."

Would have been more effective.

Even though the priest was way off the mark in accusing Claude, I personally like the idea of accusing magicians and wannabes of being werewolves and subsequently trying to kill them. There would be less people in the world asking me to pick a card, and less people trying to pawn off their crappy illusions on an unwitting audience. Also, there would be no Criss Angel: Mind Freak. Everybody wins!

"You're next, Criss Angel."

Anyway, it comes to light that Valerie was chit-chatting with the wolf, and she is immediately accused of being a witch and offered up as human sacrifice. Peter ends up freeing her, and after an underwhelming action sequence and reappearance of the werewolf, town efforts are re-doubled in hunting down the furry bastard. Valerie has a nightmare about her grandmother, which is the writers' last-ditch effort to relate this atrocity to the actual fairytale, but, just like the rest of the movie, fails miserably.

"Grandmother! What big eyes you have!"

"The better to see you with, my dear."

Valerie, believing that her grandmother is in trouble, goes to check on her, and finds out that the actual werewolf is...drum roll, please...

Kidding. He's not the werewolf. In this movie, anyway. The werewolf in this movie turns out to be Valerie's dad, who gives a piss-poor, Charlie Sheen-esque explanation as to how he became a werewolf and why he's terrorizing the village peeps that basically boils down to, "I have wolf's blood and your mother cheated on me." So not winning.

Now that's winning.

He then follows that gem with an even weaker argument designed to persuade Valerie to let him turn her into a wolf, like it's some sort of father-daughter bonding thing.

"Come on, it'll be fun!"

"Um...no."

Peter, who apparently put two-and-two together at some point and figured out the werewolf's true identity, barges in the grandmother's house and battles Valerie's dad. Valerie decides to pitch in, and they end up killing him, but not before he has a chance to bite Peter, dooming Peter to be a werewolf for the rest of his life. Valerie and Peter sew up a whole bunch of crap in her dad's chest like some sort of twisted time capsule, and Peter goes off to learn how to be a wolf that doesn't terrorize people.

"We'll open it when we're 40."

"I gotta go, bye bye."

The ending is just a pathetic attempt to wrap everything up: the village goes back to how it used to be, the people being afraid of the werewolf even though they're no longer being attacked, Valerie living by herself in her grandmother's house. The final scene of the movie shows that Peter (as the wolf) has come back, but I think Valerie ends up running off with him. To be honest, I'm not quite sure, as it was ambiguous and I didn't care. As long as I'm being honest, I should disclose that I left out a whole bunch of details, but, trust me, they don't really add anything to the movie. It still sucks.

If you've read up until now and still don't know how I feel about this movie, allow me to spell it out for you: I'd rather watch an hour and a half of Ben Stein trying to teach advanced physics than this piece of cinematic crapola. It's not suspenseful, it doesn't make sense, and just winds up being an unintentional hilarious joke.

Joffrey's is Deliciously Quirky

New Examiner.com review is up. It's short and sweet and you should peep it out.

Joffrey's is deliciously quirky