Ticking Time Bomb

Hi there. My name is Sarah. I'm 28 years old. I'm currently in possession of my appendix, tonsils, and gallbladder, which means that at some point THEY ARE GOING TO MALFUNCTION ALL AT ONCE AND I AM GOING TO DIE.

I'm not crazy. I'm not. I have no actual research data to back up what I'm about to say, but I figure that by the time people reach my age, they've had at least two of the three removed. The fact that I've made it this long with all of my organs still kickin' means that Murphy's Law is about to drop a death bomb on my unsuspecting ass and my appendix will burst, my tonsils will inexplicably burst into flame, and my gallbladder will do...whatever gallbladders do when they malfunction. And I will die. Either that, or they will fail in succession like the Old Testament plagues.

Understandably, this inevitability makes me a little paranoid. Sometimes when I feel a pain in my side--no matter which side it is--I will automatically think, "OH CRAP, IS IT MY APPENDIX? DO I NEED TO MAKE UP AN OVERNIGHT BAG? SHOULD I QUICKLY DRAFT UP A WILL ON THE BACK OF A NAPKIN AND EMPHASIZE THAT IT IS 'LEGIT' IN CASE MY APPENDIX BURSTS IN THE NEXT 20 MINUTES AND I DIE AND MY PARENTS NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY AMERICAN GIRL BOOKS?" (Yeah, I have some AG books. Jealous?) When my throat gets a little scratchy, my thoughts race: "I REALLY HOPE IT'S NOT MY TONSILS I CAN'T AFFORD TONSIL SURGERY NOW, WELL MAYBE I COULD IF I DIDN'T BUY MY ACNE MEDS, BUT THEN MY FACE WILL EXPLODE AND I'D RATHER HAVE MY THROAT ON FIRE THAN LOOK LIKE A HUMAN PIZZA, ESPECIALLY IF THERE ARE CUTE GUYS AROUND." Then I think that if I had to bite the bullet and get my tonsils removed, I'd be able to justify feasting on popsicles and ice cream 24/7 and then I'm straight. If my gallbladder were to explode or do whatever it is that gallbladders do when they break, I'd be shit out of luck because it is clear I know nothing about gallbladders, and their role in the human body, and I'm too lazy to go on WebMD to find out.

The point of my seemingly pointless rambling? If I'm found dead in my apartment in the next 5-10 years and the doctors determine that it's natural causes and they're puzzled because I was a seemingly healthy woman, YOU'LL KNOW WHAT WENT DOWN.

First person to leave a comment gets my American Girl books! I have 5 of the 6 Samantha books and all of the Addy ones. Jealous?

Why I Hate Annie

I'm talking about both the musical and the comic strip, of course, not an actual person named Annie. I'm not a mean girl like that, even though I do have my bitchy moments (don't we all?). So far, my sister and my friends Ali and Arleen have had to sit through my anti-Annie tirade, and I thought, why stop with just them? Why not bring the three other people who read this blog into my ranting and raving? So without further ado, I present: Why I Hate Annie

I was first introduced to the ear-raping that is Annie the Musical (the original movie version with Carol Burnett) when I was a kid, playing at a friend of a friend's house. I don't remember much about that day except the house we were all at had wood floors, I think we were swimming in a pool at one point, and my extreme dislike of the movie. Later in life, when I was a senior in high school, I had to sit through a live performance, which didn't change my attitude in any way, shape or form. Folks, I loathe this musical. This musical makes me want to stick burning hot needles in my eyes and then rinse them out with vinegar and/or lemon juice. Why do I hate it so? There are a few reasons.

1. Everybody yells. The kids yell. The grown-ups yell. The musical numbers are yelling SET TO MUSIC. I think even the dog barks at one point! Tell me, how is being yelled at for two hours enjoyable? I find it all so obnoxious that I am unsympathetic to the plight of the orphan kids, unmoved at the relationship Annie develops with Daddy Warbucks and apathetic when the evil orphanage lady and her partner in crime get their just desserts at the end. I don't even remember what their just desserts were exactly, I just remember praising the Lord when the musical finally ended and stopped its assault on my eardrums. Don't believe me? Watch this scene from the movie and you tell me that you don't want to punch every single kid by the time it's finished.

2. The music sucks. I'm sorry, but it does. "The sun'll come out/Tomorrow/Bet your bottom dollar/That tomorrow/There'll be sun." I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

3. Daddy Warbucks freaks me out. The fact that he's bald and she calls him "Daddy" is what gives me the willies. Bald men in general don't freak me out, but for some reason Daddy Warbucks' lack of hair is creepy as hell. And the whole "Daddy" thing. Look, I know he and Annie end up developing a father-daughter relationship and he ends up adopting her at the end, but Daddy? It would be different if he adopted her as a baby and she grew up calling him that, but girlfriend is, like, ten years old or something when he decides to adopt her, and the fact that she calls him "Daddy" is a little child pedophile-y.

4. How does Annie have a pet dog? Seriously! If the orphanage she is at is run by an evil woman who rules with an iron fist, how can Annie have a pet dog? Does the dog hide behind a dumpster or something outside and she sneaks him scraps of food throughout the day? Doesn't make sense.

5. Annie's hair is creepy. For real. The girl is a white ginger, yet she is sporting an afro that looks similar in texture to African-American hair. That just ain't natural.

My hatred of Annie doesn't end with the musical. Oh no, I've got beef with the comic strip as well, but it's really with only one factor: Annie's eyes. It wasn't enough for the creator to create a white ginger girl with a creepy afro; apparently it was also necessary she not have pupils. I would have LOVED to have been in the creator's head when he was drawing her. Did he stop, sit back, survey his work, and think, "Red hair. Afro. Whites for eyes. PERFECT! My work here is done"? I mean, really? She didn't strike him as looking disturbing and unnatural?

Now, it's not fair of me to pick through all of Annie's flaws without at least admitting one good thing that came from the franchise: Jay-Z's Hard Knock Life. While the musical's version makes me want to put a gun in my mouth, if it never existed, then Jay-Z couldn't have used the chorus and beat to make his kick-ass song. But that is the ONLY good thing to come from Annie and her annoying friends. Rest assured, if you ever try to make me sit through that musical or its soundtrack, I will not hesitate to give you a hard knock life. And by that I mean I will punch you in the face.