Open Letter of Friendship to John Mayer

Dear John,

I think you and I should be friends. No, I don't mean "friends" as a euphemism for "lovers" or "friends with benefits," nor do I seek out your friendship for my own personal gain. What I'm proposing is friendship in its truest form, plain and simple. Here's a rundown of the benefits you'd reap if you were my friend:

1. At the risk of sounding conceited, I'm a riot. At least I think so. I mean, I'd be friends with me. I'm also pretty mellow, so if you're having a day where you're just on edge or wound up tighter than a tick, you'd end up relaxing after hanging out with me. (Aside: some of my friends have said that when they first met me they thought I was a recreational stoner, so they might try to make snide little comments about me smokin' it up. Ignore them. They are full of crap.)

2. I say stupid shit all the time. Look, I know you were probably at a different place in your life when you wrote "My Stupid Mouth," but still. I'm no stranger to putting my foot in my mouth, so if you say something weird, there will be no judging from this girl. Also, and this has nothing to do with anything, but if you decide you wanna rock the Mark Anthony look and grow your hair out again, that's okay too. No judging, remember?

3. Location, location, location. John, I live in Tampa, Florida, which is a prime location. The beaches are like half an hour away, and bonus--the oil hasn't reached us yet! So if you've been wanting a little beach time fun lately, you can still realize that summer dream! And I also know the best place to park so we wouldn't have to pay! How great is that?! If you're still not convinced, then maybe this little tidbit will sway you: I'm only about an hour or so away from Orlando, so if you want to get your Disney on, we can easily do that! But wait, there's more! I'm only five hours from...drum roll, please...MIAMI! Can you say road trip? Think of all the LOLs we'll share, crusin' down the highway, dreaming of getting our drink on in South Beach! Except I expect you to pay your share of tolls/gas money/parking money. Don't be that guy, John. Nobody wants to be friends with that guy.

4. I won't constantly reference your songs or gush over your entire song catalog. Don't get me wrong, I love your music; it's ushered me into adulthood. However, friendship is a different dynamic than that of musician/fan, which means statements like, "OMG I loved the version of 'Your Body is a Wonderland' on Any Given Thursday!" and, "Can you sign my CDs/picture/notebook/breasts?" are out of the question. I understand this.

5. You've lived in New York. I've been there...once. But I enjoyed it.

6. You like Alicia Keys. I like Alicia Keys, too! We can listen to Alicia Keys records, chow down on some pizza and share some LOLs!

John, I strongly urge you to consider being my friend. Please, be the Big to my Rob. Be the Annie Sullivan to my Helen Keller. Be the Dave Matthews to my Band! (Well, not an actual band. It's a...you know what, I'm sure you get it.) This could be the start of something good, you and I. We'll get zany, make memories, all that good stuff. There's an air mattress in Tampa with YOUR name on it, buddy. Will you be my friend?