Awhile ago, my friend Taylor introduced me to the genius that is Rob Dyrdek. Several "Fantasy Factory" episodes and a couple of "Rob and Big" marathons later, I have decided that I will someday marry him. He's hilarious and doesn't take himself too seriously and hello--he has a whole warehouse dedicated specifically to whimsy and flights of fancy! Who wouldn't want to marry him?
This fantasy has never been well-constructed, as I never really thought out what kind of wedding ceremony we'd have beyond it being at the Fantasy Factory, namely because I'd get distracted by "Jersey Shore" or Tic Tacs or something and direct my attention elsewhere. But earlier today, when Taylor was giving me shit for not including Rob in my list of potential sugar daddies on Lover of Many, Father of None (I feel like an asshole, but I'm linking to it anyway), we managed to flesh-out a ceremony that was so white trash and fabulous that I'm already disappointed at the fact that my actual future hypothetical wedding ceremony will probably be classier and not nearly as epic. Here goes:
The wedding would be held at The Fantasy Factory. Taylor, who is a notary, will be officiating a la Joey in "Friends" (yeah, yeah, I know it's in Spanish, but a) everybody pretty much has already seen this scene with maybe the exception of people who are stranded on a desert island/in a cave/on a mountain/live in Perry and b) all you really need to see is that Joey is marrying Monica and Chandler). She is also wearing a crazy costume just like Joey, although whether or not it's a war getup is completely up to her. Rob would be dressed as Bobby Light and I would be dressed as Mrs. Claus since Rob is the Sugar Daddy Santa Claus. Except I would be a sexy, young Mrs. Claus because I am sure he wouldn't be turned on by a grandmotherly-type figure, as that would be weird and off-putting. Bobby Light, Steve Perry and Chanel would all collaborate on a song called, "Dirty Girl pt. 3: Dirty Girl Gets Married" just for the occasion. The reception afterward would be filled with fun, frivolity and sweet skateboarding. It would pretty much be the best wedding in the history of weddings.
Like I said, I'm so excited at how my fake wedding would go down that I'm already disappointed in my hypothetical real one: the ceremony would be a boring Catholic Mass and the reception afterwards will feature songs that have been played at every other wedding: the Electric Slide, the Cha-Cha Slide and Celine Dion's and Mariah Carey's entire song catalogs. There would be no Bobby Light. Or skateboards. Or Steve Perry. BORRRRIIIINNNGGG!
Taylor did guarantee that if I hired her on as my wedding planner, she would make sure that I would get a white trash wedding that's comparable to my Fantasy Factory fake one, and I plan to hold her to that. She said that we couldn't use the internet for any sort of planning since it's a fad and won't likely be around too much longer and that we could invite people via a mass text. Sounds like the beginning of a fabulous white trash wedding to me!